Enjoy Your Gifts or Die Trying

Christmas movies make me laugh. They’re so cliche. Usually there’s a scene where a bunch of children flock down the stairs to see all their presents beneath the tree. Orchestrated with sappy music, the camera pans by the kids as they rip open box after box; revealing board games, Bratz dolls, and the occasional Mr. Potato Head. Parents watch adoringly. The whole world is full of happiness. Yuck.

I don’t know about you, but my childhood Christmases never looked that filmable. In fact, they were the opposite. Instead of running to the tree, first thing I’d do in the morning was hit the shed for a chainsaw.

You see, the thrill of getting a new toy was always ruined by that hard plastic clamshell packaging crap. You know, that impenetrable bubble stuff that’s always wrapped around electronics.

Trying to pry that shit open often resulted in injury; sometimes even blood loss. Christmas Eve was basically a day to prepare for the coming war.

In my day, I met some pretty defiant packages. I was forced to attack with scissors, pliers, a butcher knife, a razor blade, my teeth, and even a new born baby.

Yes, a new born baby. Rumor has it that kids can get into anything.

Trying to salvage my holiday, I recently looked into solutions and found a device called the Package Shark. I was so excited until I realized it was also wrapped in clamshell packaging. Le sigh.

Don’t get me wrong; I understand it’s to prevent theft. But when it takes you two days to get your purchase open, it kind of defeats the purpose. The worst part is when the clamshell is so tight around an item that there’s nowhere to poke without punching through the item itself.

A brand new pair of headphones should not come with a sliced-up wire and 17 complimentary dents in the ear piece.

According to the Consumer Product Safety Commission, 6,000 Americans are sent to emergency rooms each year with injuries caused by trying to open their purchases. What the hell.

There must be a better use for this technology. How about border patrol? We could use this stuff to build walls. I feel like illegal immigrants are getting into the country easier than kids are getting into their new Barbies.

Another thought: why don’t we use this stuff to make condoms?

In conclusion, I hate clamshell packaging. It’s pretty awkward when you want to return something, and it looks like it’s been attacked by a Rottweiler.

Leave Comment

Chica The Chicken
Feb 26 6:55 pm

i wont die!im an imortal!and animatrinic

Lialoha (lee-uh-loh-ha)
Jan 21 2:16 pm

That thing about the condoms though, so true. XD

bad names
Oct 06 9:32 am

You know getting up and running for a chainsaw sounds like a fun Christmas. Was it just me or did anyone else imagine having to kill zombies to get to the tree with the unattainable gifts?

Aug 10 4:15 pm

hey justin =)
how are you doing?

Aug 10 3:49 pm

Haha, yeah I know, sort of ruins that christmas magic.
I use this magic razor scissor thing from the Wal-Mart.

Aug 10 2:23 pm

I know something worse than clamshell packaging. My mothers gift wrapping! Seriously the woman uses like ten meters of tape for every present! You need botch scissors and knives to open her gifts.

Aug 10 12:57 pm

Holy shit, 100+ comments? Damn.

Haha, thanks. I hope it does. All though it probaly wouldnt be considered a date..well let's see.


Aug 09 10:38 pm

D: Wow, is it really that hard for you to open the clamshell packaging crap? xD
But yeah, I guess it is quite hard to open those…

Omfg you're kidding me. 6,000 Americans are sent to the ER each year because of a little thing that you could get open with scissors?!
Dumb Americans….
jkjk (:


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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