So Stupid it’s Smart

When I was a kid, a self-proclaimed health guru visited my school to teach about nutrition. During his presentation, he remarked, “You are what you eat.” I was mortified. As soon as I got home, I darted under my bed, sobbed like a three-year old girl and cried, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!”

Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles.

Even after my realization that he lied, the lecturer’s words continued to influence my eating habits. I always thought twice before nibbling on candy. For example, in fear of becoming an idiot, I completely avoided dum-dums. Instead, I ate plenty of smarties and chugged entire boxes of nerds.

Looking back, I think I ate more candy after the lecture on healthy eating.

Anyway, isn’t it strange that all these candies correlate with levels of intelligence? I’m convinced the English language is intrinsically linked with calling people stupid.

Another example is the terms smartass and dumbass, which, for the record, don’t make any sense.

Since when does a butt have an IQ level? Is there a brain in my booty? Can my butt educate itself? Will it be bullied and picked on at school? Isn’t butt-picking gross? Should I send my badonkadonk to college? Can it get a job at NASA? What about NASSA?

So many questions. I know that people work their butts off at dances and strip-clubs, but can booties secretly work themselves? Can they earn money? Can I bet my bottom’s actual dollar?

The lingo doesn’t stop there: A wiseass is a really smart smartass. A stupidass is a really dumb dumbass. A stupiderass is a stupidass too stupid to master English. A cheapass is often a smartass, but also a lameass. A lazyass is both a dumbass and a smartass, because he never gets anything done, but also never has to do anything. This also makes him a fatass.

My bad. Sorry for all these wisecracks.

Per my analysis, smartass and dumbass are polar opposites, yet they’re both insults. How is this possible? If it’s because they’re both extreme, then does that mean the desirable outcome is an averageass?

Maybe it’s because the suffix ass has the power to ruin a word. Nah. That logic also fails, because “smart” alone is a nice word, and “dumb” is still negative.

And wouldn’t that make “dumbass” a double negative? This could make sense, though, because a dumbass is more likely to use a double negative.

I’m over-thinking it. Please forgive me for being such an ass.

Leave Comment


  • Bonnie
    Nov 14, 2009 9:54 pm

    haha i remember after i watched 'supersize me', i probably ate more mcdonalds after that. eating healthy never really crossed my mind.

    lets just say lingos never really make sense haha. there always those 'smartasses' who come up with some 'smartass' answer that backfires your 'insult'.

  • Angelica
    Nov 14, 2009 11:17 am

    That is indeed weird! Especially to me since we don't have that kind of expressions in Swedish.

  • Regina
    Nov 13, 2009 8:42 pm

    Lol, have you ever read "The Day My Butt Went Psycho" ? It's about a world where butts have a mind of their own. I think you'd enjoy it! It's actually a part of a trilogy, along with "Zombie Butts from Uranus" and "Butt Wars: The Final Conflict".

  • Trish
    Nov 11, 2009 7:42 pm

    I think I'm a lazyass, but I'm not fat, so I can't be a fatass. :/ I'd rather go with "hotass". 😀

    "You are what you eat." …toriyaki? I'm chicken covered in that sweet, delicious soy sauce, mixed perfectly with honey and sugar? I sound yummy. :9

  • Jhase
    Nov 11, 2009 2:08 pm

    Well that was a refreshing read, its been a while since you've made me laugh via a blog. The scary part is that I understood that without reading it a second time. I don't know how, cause it was just a tad confusing, but hey I did so whatever.

    But for the record my ass is smart, I got it to take the SATs for me. Progress my friend, progress. =D

    So how does Justin be?

  • Chynna
    Nov 11, 2009 11:52 am

    Aha, that was fun to read 🙂
    Although, I must admit I got confused when you explained the "-ass" bit. I have never even heard of a stupiderass. Maybe because we say arse over here in England 😀


  • Marianne
    Nov 11, 2009 11:04 am

    Very interesting, haha. I never really thought about the relationship between food (/candy) names and the ''you are what you eat'' saying. 😛

  • Katie
    Nov 11, 2009 11:00 am

    your blogs never fail to be funny. i also love the way you think.

    haha, seriously. all this dumbass and smartass business, really has made me think. and now i think i've looked at the word 'ass' way too much. i've never really thought into it really. but now my brain hurts haha.

  • Holly
    Nov 11, 2009 9:55 am

    Haha your blogs make me laugh so much 😀 I better getting eating some smarties, I have an English exam tomorrow 🙁

  • Aimee
    Nov 10, 2009 10:49 pm

    You're my hero 😀 hahaha

  • Mom/Debbie
    Nov 10, 2009 10:34 pm

    I love the word "ass".

  • Trypp
    Nov 10, 2009 6:46 pm

    dude, caity took the words right out of my mouth about your blogging style – it's so clever and witty….it always makes me laugh =P but yeah anyway! I used to fear the SAME exact thing about eating dum dums! Haha…after a while though I gave up the fear of becoming a total moron and chomped 'em down.

  • Alice
    Nov 10, 2009 6:20 pm

    Haha, very witty blog. 🙂 You're excellent with words and wordplay. And I totally know what you mean, it's like "cold as hell" and the "hot as hell stuff" xD. Personally, I like my ass the way it is; I'd say it's a very nice ass 😉 And you make excellent points, too 😀

    Imma wet my pants now xD

  • Sean
    Nov 10, 2009 6:19 pm

    wow…my brain hurts. lol. Now I know what you were busy doing when I called. hehe. Good blog. 😀 😀 😀

  • Caity
    Nov 10, 2009 6:11 pm

    Haha, I love the way you write. It's so clever – the way you think! I have always thought it was so silly when grown ups tell children that they are what they eat. I enjoyed reading the rest of your entry about asses. I must admit I never really thought that much into it. Leave it to you! Haha!

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