So Stupid it’s Smart

When I was a kid, a self-proclaimed health guru visited my school to teach about nutrition. During his presentation, he remarked, “You are what you eat.” I was mortified. As soon as I got home, I darted under my bed, sobbed like a three-year old girl and cried, “I don’t want to be a cheeseburger!”

Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles.

Even after my realization that he lied, the lecturer’s words continued to influence my eating habits. I always thought twice before nibbling on candy. For example, in fear of becoming an idiot, I completely avoided dum-dums. Instead, I ate plenty of smarties and chugged entire boxes of nerds.

Looking back, I think I ate more candy after the lecture on healthy eating.

Anyway, isn’t it strange that all these candies correlate with levels of intelligence? I’m convinced the English language is intrinsically linked with calling people stupid.

Another example is the terms smartass and dumbass, which, for the record, don’t make any sense.

Since when does a butt have an IQ level? Is there a brain in my booty? Can my butt educate itself? Will it be bullied and picked on at school? Isn’t butt-picking gross? Should I send my badonkadonk to college? Can it get a job at NASA? What about NASSA?

So many questions. I know that people work their butts off at dances and strip-clubs, but can booties secretly work themselves? Can they earn money? Can I bet my bottom’s actual dollar?

The lingo doesn’t stop there: A wiseass is a really smart smartass. A stupidass is a really dumb dumbass. A stupiderass is a stupidass too stupid to master English. A cheapass is often a smartass, but also a lameass. A lazyass is both a dumbass and a smartass, because he never gets anything done, but also never has to do anything. This also makes him a fatass.

My bad. Sorry for all these wisecracks.

Per my analysis, smartass and dumbass are polar opposites, yet they’re both insults. How is this possible? If it’s because they’re both extreme, then does that mean the desirable outcome is an averageass?

Maybe it’s because the suffix ass has the power to ruin a word. Nah. That logic also fails, because “smart” alone is a nice word, and “dumb” is still negative.

And wouldn’t that make “dumbass” a double negative? This could make sense, though, because a dumbass is more likely to use a double negative.

I’m over-thinking it. Please forgive me for being such an ass.

Leave Comment


  • alice
    Dec 16, 2009 3:18 pm

    (pasting the same thing to every affie πŸ˜› )

    Hey there affie!
    I know, i've been a TERRIBLE affiliate.
    Haven't been updating, haven't been replying DD:
    forgive me please? loll
    anyways, hope you still remember me o__O
    i give you the right to slap my face if I keep dissapearing.
    I BLAME SCHOOL πŸ˜› I swear I will try and keep up with the comments!
    with lotsa love,
    Alice from KTM (:

  • Blizz
    Dec 11, 2009 6:07 pm

    OMG i havent read this funny of ramblings in a very very long time! The worst part? It makes sense! Thank you for this blurb of sunshine!

  • AnneMarie
    Nov 28, 2009 6:34 pm

    Hahahaha, I can't even picture my butt having a brain. Ick, if my butt had a mind of it's own. How creepy would that be. If I was what I ate, then I'd be a giant bowl of ice cream. πŸ˜› I might end up eating myself. Wonder if those people ever wondered that. That wouldn't be so bad now would it?

  • Kathryn
    Nov 28, 2009 4:31 pm

    LMFAO, your blogs are freakin' hilarious. I was really LOL-ing in real life. XD The nipples into pickles bit set me off, and now my sister is giving me strange looks. Ahh well.

    Oh yeah, you don't really KNOW me, but I randomly came across your blog when I was randomly surfing the web when I randomly thought I'd leave you a comment. Randomly. :3

    Nov 26, 2009 5:40 pm

    Just wishing you a happy thanksgiving Justin πŸ˜€ Enjoy lots of good food for me kk?

  • Shell
    Nov 26, 2009 2:33 pm

    Hey Justin,

    It's Shell here, the lass that gave you the shockhorror.org domain a while ago! I'm just messaging you… because I forgot my password on your boards. Is there any way you can email me, to reset it or somewhat?. (Shell__x@msn.com)

    Cheers. xx

  • Web Hosting UK
    Nov 24, 2009 12:42 pm

    Was confused about how you explained the "-ass" bit, fun been smartie kid lol….

  • Charley
    Nov 24, 2009 11:02 am

    hahaah very good πŸ™‚ clever, i loved this blog πŸ™‚ my english language teacher would probably enjoy it rofl

  • Ariel
    Nov 24, 2009 10:40 am

    Hello, I've just stumbled upon this interesting article. :-O

    I'd have to admit I've chugged my share of Smarties when I was a kid. I think my parents bought them for me because they were hoping (unconsciously maybe) that I'd actually become a 'Smarty' πŸ˜›

    'Ass' is like the ultimate negative phrase. It makes good things bad.

  • Farah
    Nov 23, 2009 11:33 am

    "Fortunately, my nipples never turned into pickles." That KILLED me. Seriously.

  • Eka
    Nov 21, 2009 7:06 pm

    Not to be a smartass, but I think the '-ass' suffix is pejorative in itself. So whether you're a dumbass or a wiseass, being any kind of ass isn't a good thing.

    I blame the word 'jackass'. Started the whole thing. :|
    Just wasn't good enough for people as time went on- had to fill in the blanks with their own adjectives. Jack isn't an adjective anyway. People are dumbasses. πŸ˜›

  • Janice
    Nov 18, 2009 1:36 am

    LOL yeah people nowadays seem like they love to scare others by their words 0.o my teacher also said those stupid sentences about the relation between sweets and smartness 0.o Ah well, I've eaten loads of candies in my life but nothing happened to my brain xD haha.

  • Stepherz
    Nov 17, 2009 12:34 am

    Have you thought about contacting webster? I think they need to know this grave injustice we are doing to otherwise nice words by adding ass. Like hat. Hat didn't do anything either.

  • Kyo-Kyo
    Nov 16, 2009 2:10 am

    Wow. That made my head hurt while making me laugh at the same time. Though visual of pickle-nipples did not sit well with me though. I'm even further freaked by nipples now. Lmao.

  • Olivia
    Nov 15, 2009 12:17 pm

    Okay, I forgive you, lol!

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