The world is full of disasters. We’ve got economic turmoil, fuel shortages, poverty, homelessness, and even Adam Lambert. Every time I see a commercial on TV about a poor, struggling child in desperate need of food, I feel obligated to do something; like change the channel.
I’m kidding. Unfortunately, there’s not much my broke, lazy butt can do. I did some research, and I was able to come up with one easy solution that makes the world a better place. It doesn’t make much sense, but it promises to open some doors.
So what is it? Oh, I already told you; opening doors for people. People get ridiculously giddy over such a mundane, effortless act. Yeah it’s a nice gesture and all, but in most scenarios, it’s not really deserving of a “thank you.” All you have to do is not move your arm as you continue to head in the direction that you were already travelling in.
You don’t even have to wait for the person to walk all the way through. As they get about half way, you can let go. Since you still waited for them, you look like a saint. And they’ll still thank you for slamming a door in their face.
It’s an awful lot of hype for something inefficient. Someone who holds a door open might waste 5 seconds while the other person gains only two seconds. If you take the 3 seconds wasted, multiply it by the times people hold doors open, divide that by the average number of seconds in a person’s life; the result is every person on Earth loses a million dollars.
[Trust me. I have a math minor.]
At my college, this gesture has gone too far. It’s evolved from a friendly act to an obligation. Instead of focusing on how nice someone is for propping a door open, people criticize and judge anyone who doesn’t.
Isn’t the point of a gesture to do something extra? Otherwise, it’s not a gesture at all. It’s more like a bitchy secret test to see if someone has manners.
I try my best to do my part, but it doesn’t always turn out well. Sometimes I hold a door open for one person, but get stuck standing there for fifteen minutes letting in an entire circus.
The worse part about my dorm is that I have to walk through three different doors — one to get into the building, one after sliding my id card, and one to enter my hall. On occasion, the same person will hold all three doors for me. I never know how to respond without being awkward.
Am I supposed to thank him three times in a row? It makes sense, but I always get laughed at. I can’t comprehend what’s so funny about “thank you”, “thank you again”, and “Okay, now I owe you a kidney.”