Tales from the Crib

I frequently stumble across news articles about how children are witnessing too much violence on TV. I’m not here to argue whether this is true or not, but I do think the authors of these articles are hypocrites. I mean, children have always been exposed to traumatizing amounts of violence. Why start caring now?

Exhibit A:
“Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop,
When the wind blows, the cradle will rock,
When the bough breaks, the cradle will fall,
And down will come baby, cradle and all.”

What kind of sicko puts a baby in a tree and leaves him there so that the wind blows it and knocks him down? This death threat has been around since 1765. Censorship-concerned moms are happily singing it to their young ones with huge smiles on their faces.

I mean, close your eyes and actually try to picture what it’s saying. Personally, I imagine Jigsaw from the Saw movies eagerly waiting for his deathtrap’s bough to break. In the background, Rob Zombie is singing “Let the Babies Hit the Floor.”

What the hell did the baby ever do, anyway? It’s not like he deserved this horrible treatment. What crimes can a person commit at five months? Pooping in a diaper isn’t frowned upon until you’re at least thirty.

And did you know that “Rock-A-Bye Baby” is said to be one of the first poems ever written on American soil? Well jeez. That was a promising start for this country…

Back to the point: Long before TV shows and video games were scarring children, we had Mother Goose, or as I like to call her; Murderer Goose.

Murderer Goose also told us the delightful tale of “Jack and Jill.” You know, the one where Jack severely injures his head and Jill spasms uncontrollably while plummeting to her death.

“Humpty Dumpty” is similarly delectable (perhaps a poor choice of words?) The main character, your hero, falls off a wall and has his innards splatter all over the King’s men. No little kid should be subjected to this. The pain sounds eggcruciating.

There’s so much horrible violence being spooned to infants. Wouldn’t it be funny if parents had to lawfully announce a disclaimer to them? “Hansel and Gretel: Rated C for Cannibalism.”

All joking aside, it looks like violence has been a part of children’s lives for quite some time now. Television, ironically, might be the only opportunity for kids to see any happiness at all.

Leave Comment


  • i suck @ names
    Dec 13, 2015 10:48 am

    The rhyme never said Humpty Dumpty was an egg.

  • bad names
    Oct 06, 2015 9:31 am

    Good going, parents! :L *sarcastic smile and even more sarcastic clap*

  • Eden-Avalon
    May 17, 2011 1:14 am

    You think this is awful? I actually grew up reading the original Grimm's fairytales. I would have constant nightmares about birds pecking out my eyes. …Sometimes I fear they still will!

  • hobo bag
    Jan 21, 2010 11:50 pm

    lol, like your article very much!

  • Justin Robbins
    Jan 11, 2010 6:09 pm

    Post a new blog. I need a chuckle.

  • Taversia
    Jan 11, 2010 7:14 am

    Ugh, I hate it when people blame a trouble child's violence on media. It's ridiculous. 😛 Those who can't differenciate between real life and, say, a virtual first person shooter, are absolutely ridiculous… lol.

    As per always Justin, you write great blog articles. <3 :]

  • Kaela
    Jan 10, 2010 5:57 pm

    Dude, you changed you're layout. LOL! I think it's really awesome anyhow, got that theemmmee.. XD

    OMFG! I totally agree with you! Those so-called 'bedtime stories' gave me fucking nightmares! Like 'The Three Little Bears'. All I dreamed was me being chased by big hungry bug eyed bears. Roaring and screaming at me for eating their goddamned porridge. MAKE SOME MORE DUMBASS!

    Haha, you are sooo right. Damn't, the guy broke his heard and the girl just keeps on rolling. Yet we're singing it in such a happy tune…

  • Jess
    Jan 10, 2010 7:20 am

    I agree with you. I've actually always gone on about Jack & Jill being wrong cos HE BROKE HIS CRANIUM! It took me YEARS to figure that out. I thought he was wearing a crown when I was a kid & snapped it. Nope. Brain damage. Yet that's cool to tell kids.
    But Humpty Dumpty actually has historical value lol. There's 2 stories about what it refers to; 1 is about a canon used in the English Civil War in the in the 17th century & the other is that it's supposedly about the fall of Richard III. I apologise for boring you silly with that, but I'm a history student lmao.

    Kids are tough though anyway. It's not like it even phases them. The types of parents who complain about this shit are the types of people who shouldn't be allowed kids cos they don't understand reality themselves lol. They always remind me of Kyle's mom from South Park.

    & RE my blog: other candidates I chose for movie of 2009 were Public Enemies, Inglourious Basterds & Harry Potter. But I settled on Watchmen in the end.

  • Shannon
    Jan 10, 2010 12:19 am

    LOL! No doubt about anything you said! Everyone is blaming stuff on TV/Video Games/Internet, but it's all just like, "Hey, don't be jealous you didn't have this technology when you were born~"

    And if you think about it, Santa is a creepy pedo.
    Just saying.

  • Eka
    Jan 09, 2010 10:03 am

    Um, let's not forget "The Old Lady Who Swallowed the Fly"! WHAT THE HELL!?
    That book is disturbing. Some old hag lady that ingests insects and animals and then explodes? That's nice for children to read about!

    "Don't eat flies and spiders kids, because YOU'LL FUCKING EXPLODE! AND DIE! XD

  • Stepherz
    Jan 09, 2010 12:58 am

    They've also been exposed to a ton of sex as well! Remember the old lady who lived in the shoe? She must have been doing it 24/7…

  • Holly
    Jan 08, 2010 9:21 pm

    Yeah, I know, but brownies aren't the healthiest thing in the world xD But yes, I did eventually have one…I couldn't help it! lol.

    And yes I agree. I mean, kids are exposed to stuff like that everyday. Like really. I don't get why people do that. It's been a problem for a while, but yet they start caring randomly? Like what is that? LOL.

    And yeah, what kind of song is that to sing to a child. Yeah, I'm going to put you in a tree, let the wind blow, then you'll fall??

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