I’m freaking out right now. I can barely breathe. With 2010 upon us, there is a major cause for concern.
No, I’m not talking about Doomsday predictions, terrorist attacks, or even global warming. This is worse. So what is it, you ask? Death. Well, at least death to the companies that produce novelty New Year’s glasses.
For the past decade, the two zeros in the middle of the year have given eyewear designers the perfect opportunity to make a “clever” accessory. Anybody who’s anybody had to have one of these at their New Year’s festivities. Or find someone to make out with.
The novelty glasses model was almost thwarted in 2010, but fortunately, production could go on by shifting the glasses to the right. The weight distribution was a tad uneven, but since most people celebrate by getting drunk and falling over, it somehow balanced out.
But now that 2011 is approaching, there’s only one zero. What the hell are they gonna do?
If you’ve ever watched coverage of New Year’s Eve at New York, you’ll notice that these glasses sell like hotcakes. They also save the city a buttload of money; these spectacles keep New Yorkers too distracted to realize that their city is the only one that doesn’t celebrate with expensive fireworks. Instead, for some obviously budget-related reason, they just watch a ball drop (and who really wants to watch puberty?)
The lack of party glasses will cause cities to fail and companies to go bankrupt. Soon, the whole world will be in an (even bigger) economic mess. The Mayans tried to warn us. If I recall correctly, there’s a part in the calendar that read, “That peepee Justin guy will try to tell them. Let him be your leader.”
Maybe we can come up with some alternative 2011 designs before it’s too late.
Hmm. At least the year still has one zero in it. That’s enough to satisfy the cyclops and pirates. But damn… that’s only 40% of the population.
Perhaps we can do what they did in the 18th century? You know, back when everyone wore New Year’s monocles.
Wait. Scrap that. I’ve got the perfect idea. Let’s compromise the witty design but give the glasses a purpose; we could make them sunglasses. And then we could emphasize the whole be-a-hip-celebrity aspect.
[Side note: a celebrity is someone who works hard all his or her life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. Where’s the logic in that?]
Or maybe we could advertise that the glasses provide protection? You know the saying; never hit a man with glasses.
Besides, it makes more sense to hit him with a baseball bat. Zing.
But I digress. The clock is ticking. We’re doomed. Does anyone else have any lens-crafty ideas?