Chased by the Police

Like most college students, a little alcohol makes me lose my shit. I’ve found myself hitting on strangers, admitting secrets, and even trying to ride a hamster (okay, so maybe that last one isn’t so common).

To be honest, most of my favorite memories are the result of being completely plastered. This past weekend, however, I encountered a whole new type of drunken shenanigans: I was chased by the police.

It all started at around four o’clock in the morning. I was feeling a nice buzz from some raspberry-flavored Mike’s Hard Lemonades (don’t judge my fruity drinks). Nearly passing out on a lawn chair with a gnome up my butt, I decided it was time to head home.

Since the party wasn’t that far away from my dorm, I figured I’d simply walk back. Well, it ended up being more of a stumble. I kept tripping over myself like I was wearing stripper boots.

As I crossed one of the busier streets, I noticed a nearby police car turn on its sirens. I didn’t think much of it. In fact, I didn’t think at all; to avoid confrontation, I jumped into a bush.

Next thing I remember is a deep, intense scream that pierced through the sirens; making me nearly soil myself. To my surprise, the cop got out of his car and started running toward me.

In fear, I screamed back at him. I turned to run away, but another police car swerved in front of me; driving over the sidewalk to form a barricade. Feeling the excitement, I pretended I was in a Die Hard movie and attempted drunken somersaults.

One of the officers pulled out his gun and told me to get down on my knees. Still completely shit-faced, all I did was giggle at his dirty remark. A second cop, using stealthy ninja prowess, snuck up from behind and handcuffed me.

I knelt on the side of the road and watched car after car pass by. Why were so many people on the road at four in the morning? Each passerby made eye contact with me, giving me a look of pity as if I’d escaped from Guantanamo Bay or something.

Completely confused; I turned back to the cops and said, “Ohio has some shitty underage drinking laws.” Shit. Cover blown.

Yet another officer approached me (I swear I had my own SWAT team). He assured me that if I cooperated, he’d let me go. I still didn’t know what I did.

I remember thinking the cop was cute (in a 35-year-old-hot-dad-with-a-long-nightstick kind of way). He looked like his name was Damon, so that’s what I kept calling him.

Damon asked me if he could perform a strip search. I found it adorable, and somewhat kinky, that he asked for my permission.

He went through my pockets (God yes), discovering a Lady Gaga keychain and some crayons from Applebee’s (this is, perhaps, more embarrassing than my choice of alcohol). Damon pulled out his walkie-talkie and exclaimed with a laugh, “There’s no way this guy is a serious threat.”

Soon after, the cops uncuffed me and left. It was over in a blur (and not because I blacked out). To my disbelief, no one apologized for the mishap — not even my future husband Damon. Sigh.

At first, I was outraged, but then I realized no one caught my underage drunkenness (my fruity raspberry breath paid off, eh?).

Being drunk prevented me from doing something stupid and getting killed (somebody put that in a PSA).

When I woke up (which was probably two days later), I called my mother and told her everything. Outraged, she called the police station and demanded answers.

The chief told her that I was apprehended because I fit the description of some nut job who was running around that night with a knife. And by “fit the description,” I was simply a Caucasian male with khaki pants.

This is offensive, because, although yes, I am definitely a cracker, I was not wearing khaki pants that night. Khaki pants make my butt look saggy.

He also told my mom that I looked suspicious because I jumped into a bush. Well FUCK. There’s absolutely no appreciation for nature lovers anymore.

Leave Comment


  • kelly
    Nov 21, 2010 12:47 pm

    man that made me laugh xD ah i dont think i've heard a funnier drunk story then my brother coming home to my dad (and this being the brother who talks to no one but friends or girlfriends) and started saying 'dad you a leg-end'. (and yes we are pronouncing it like he said it, the human leg and then end of it. leg-end. unfortunatly not legend).

    so yeah, great story lmao. you really are a leg-end. i was going to say something else… never mind. but some police really are twats ;]


  • LJP
    Aug 08, 2010 5:23 am

    I didn't realise that Lady Gaga keychains were classed as lethal weapons…

  • Juan
    Jul 26, 2010 6:56 pm

    One again, your article is very nice

  • tiff k
    May 28, 2010 7:56 am

    so sorry for the late reply back!! XD XD lolz OMG XD XD I've never been drunk before just tipsy, just felt all happy xD i've seen some bad experiences though with my brother when he first got drunk, not a pretty sight but WHOA! Your story has to be really one of the… best! XD haha sorry for laughing, is it okay? XD hahaa and man the police's suspicions are so LOL XD man just because you were caucasian, lolz XD but really good thing you didn't get hurt or anything!

  • Deanna
    May 26, 2010 3:23 am

    Wow, that is quite the story. I would be terrified to be chased by cops. I'm glad they didn't hurt you. The only time I have been approached by a cop was when I was at a restaurant waiting for my friend's to show up. I'm pretty sure he was trying to flirt with me a little bit.

  • Nnie
    May 26, 2010 2:45 am

    OMG lol. What an experience o_0 you should say thanks to your Lady Gaga keychain and the crayons.

    If I were you, I'd say, "OK this is not a reality show, right?" then I'd turn my head around to find any hidden camera.

    If I couldn't find any, I'd assure myself that it was just a reality show. If the cops said, "No it is not, idiot" then I'd faint.

    I guess most people will have that "want to fit in" feeling. It depends on them–would they let that feeling eat their life or not. Unfortunately some people do let that feeling and end up being uncomfortable for the sake of fitting in. D:

  • Julia
    May 25, 2010 10:33 pm

    LOL, that must be bad. But I guess you don't deserve to be called a 'regular human' if you've never crapped in your pants when you were a kid. πŸ˜›

    I remember crapping in my pants once or twice. They didn't have water or tissues so some of the poop stuck to my butt and it felt so awkward whenever I sat down. XD

    ROFLMAO! Yeah, whenever you want to lose weight, use my blog as an inspiration. XDD Want me to give me the link so you can bookmark the link? LMAOOOO.

    Whoa, I thought you were in serious trouble when I read that the cops caught you. But good thing they let you off the hook! πŸ˜‰

  • Delilah
    May 22, 2010 7:09 pm

    Haha, your blogs are so funny. πŸ˜‰ So was this a TRUE story? It seems like a story that's fiction… I bet you could publish this and add in more details before. [x

    Mann, I hate volleyball! Actually, I like to toss the ball into the air a lot but not the actual game. I don't like it because everyone's so scary. Plus it seems like the ball's gonna hit your face and your nose will be broken. I don't want that. XD I guess it'd be okay if I played with friends. Hehe.

  • Ivy
    May 20, 2010 12:37 pm

    I have never experienced with alcohol and police. ): But during my first year in college, my roommate and her friends were cited for alcohol and got in a lot of trouble. It wasn't in our room, thank god! Or else I would've been in trouble too for something I haven't done! ):

    Hmms, the police is kind of ehhhs…I think the police is just overreacting of the situation. Whatever…just ignore it and them. : Don't let them get to you.

  • Gail
    May 19, 2010 7:54 pm

    Nice! I love the way you blog. πŸ™‚
    I've never experience being drunk before nor being chased by the police but I guess I'll try it when I get a little older. hha. Kidding! πŸ™‚

  • Passion
    May 18, 2010 3:16 pm

    Wow, excellent writing, your crazy funny.
    "because they make my butt cheeks look saggy", lmao!!!!

    My wordpress was blocking me from my host. I p
    refer cutenews anyways. Thanks.

  • Charley
    May 18, 2010 4:51 am

    Ahahah that was the funniest thing I've read in a while πŸ™‚ You write very nicely! That's a story to tell the grandkids ;D

  • Kayt
    May 17, 2010 6:27 pm

    yeah.. bullying is stupid, and I don't know what kind of pleasure they get out of it. I'm glad that the bullying for you has lessend, you can't help who you love! And for the record, I think gay guys are awesome!

    this blog made me laugh actually. First of all, i like how you described your alcohol choice as furity! mm mikes hard lemonade! so good.
    DAMON lmaooo, i love how you (not you as in you, but you in general) can see someone fitting a certain name.
    What jerks though.. they just arrest you and you didnt even fit the descrition! cool that you got away with being underaged and drunk.. more so since you even said it! (weird that they didnt even check lol).
    your mom sounds awesome! my mom would yell and bitch at me for being drunk in the first place.. they think im some sort of angel who would never do such thing.. little do they know..

  • kitty
    May 17, 2010 12:30 pm

    WTF? I am not sure if i should be rolling on the floor laughing or get really angry that those cops just jumped on you and didn't even apologize!
    At least a hot cop touched you, right?
    are you sure that "being completely plastered" and "memories" can be put in one sentence?

    btw your drink is more embarrassing πŸ˜‰ (j/k)

  • Laura
    May 17, 2010 10:41 am

    Justin! Hi! You probably don't remember me but I'm basically one of those hiya-I-fell-off-the-face-of-the-earth-due-to
    :P. That took like a whole 3 minutes to type! And it probably didn't make you or anyone else laugh but I giggled so yeah :P. Trying to ride a hamster? Fun times xD. I'm not a drinker sadly I'm one of those annoying people who goes on nights out, watches her friends get drunk and then reminds them of the daft stuff they done the next morning. Charming eh :P? My boyfriends friends love me for that … 8-).

    Police chasing you! That sounds scary. I would have cried or something like that :O. Ohmygosh! He pulled his gun out!? Yeah I'd be wetting my pants at this point!

    Eeep you carry crayons! Haha yay :D. Yay that they decided you weren't a threat but still scary!

    Haha yay on not getting caught but boo at the lack of appology :P. Ugh cops eh? Don't know the difference between certain types of pants πŸ˜› …

    Your blog made me giggle, as always :).

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    My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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