Walking is overrated. There, I said it. When it comes to traveling from point A to point B, I’d rather be catapulted on fire.
Walking makes my legs sore and lethargic. I hate it so much that when it comes time for a stroll, I have to do it super early in the morning before my brain figures out.
If it were possible to sleepwalk on command, I’d be all over that.
I don’t care if walking is good exercise. If walking is so good for you, then why does every mailman I’ve ever seen look like Rosie O’Donnell?
Okay, forgive me for sounding bitter. While on vacation, I did a lot of walking. It got so bad that my legs gave out, and I fell into a lamp. As I was destroying the light source, I didn’t feel too bright (I’ll see myself out).
And that’s not the only time walking has made me feel stupid. Have you ever walked into a room and then forgot why you walked in there in the first place? It happens to me all the time. Between you and me, I think that’s how dogs live their lives.
I suppose walking isn’t always a bad thing. I do like long walks… when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
When I was a baby, I had it all figured out; I crawled. Crawling was easier on the legs, and it burned way more calories. I wiggled around like a little coyote, and it made me a badass.
Unfortunately, my mom ruined everything. She spent the first 2 years of my life teaching me how to walk and talk. Well, the joke’s on her. She spent the next 18 telling me to sit down and shut-up.
The public school system also pressured me into walking. I remember being taught that before I criticize someone, I should walk a mile in their shoes. That’s pretty good advice. I mean, once you get around to making fun of them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
I’ll admit that there are worse things than walking. At least I’m not jogging. Jogging makes my man-boobs bounce up and down.
I remember reading somewhere that jogging could add years to my life. That’s definitely the truth. Every time I jog, I feel ten years older.