A Man Walks into a Bar

Walking is overrated. There, I said it. When it comes to traveling from point A to point B, I’d rather be catapulted on fire.

Walking makes my legs sore and lethargic. I hate it so much that when it comes time for a stroll, I have to do it super early in the morning before my brain figures out.

If it were possible to sleepwalk on command, I’d be all over that.

I don’t care if walking is good exercise. If walking is so good for you, then why does every mailman I’ve ever seen look like Rosie O’Donnell?

Okay, forgive me for sounding bitter. While on vacation, I did a lot of walking. It got so bad that my legs gave out, and I fell into a lamp. As I was destroying the light source, I didn’t feel too bright (I’ll see myself out).

And that’s not the only time walking has made me feel stupid. Have you ever walked into a room and then forgot why you walked in there in the first place? It happens to me all the time. Between you and me, I think that’s how dogs live their lives.

I suppose walking isn’t always a bad thing. I do like long walks… when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

When I was a baby, I had it all figured out; I crawled. Crawling was easier on the legs, and it burned way more calories. I wiggled around like a little coyote, and it made me a badass.

Unfortunately, my mom ruined everything. She spent the first 2 years of my life teaching me how to walk and talk. Well, the joke’s on her. She spent the next 18 telling me to sit down and shut-up.

The public school system also pressured me into walking. I remember being taught that before I criticize someone, I should walk a mile in their shoes. That’s pretty good advice. I mean, once you get around to making fun of them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

I’ll admit that there are worse things than walking. At least I’m not jogging. Jogging makes my man-boobs bounce up and down.

I remember reading somewhere that jogging could add years to my life. That’s definitely the truth. Every time I jog, I feel ten years older.

Leave Comment


  • Thuyy
    Jun 12, 2010 7:55 pm

    JUSTIN. Your blogs are hilarious, as always. lol
    And I'm sorry you hurt yourself running into a pole. D:
    Hahaha how are you? (:

    Oh, and please change my link (: I've moved. πŸ˜€ I'm sorry I haven't been a great affie. T_T

  • Greg
    Jun 10, 2010 8:56 am

    dont even know if you'll remember me, but i remember you! your blog is still as hilarious as ever, we used to be affies a while back (bleaah.com?) so i thought i'd just stop by and say hi! HI! πŸ˜€

  • Deanna
    Jun 09, 2010 7:38 am

    I'm sorry that you feel that way about walking. I walk every where. I don't know what I would do if I could no longer walk. Last weekend my boyfriend decided that we should walk home from the mall where I work. It only took us about an hour and 40 minutes.

  • Amy
    Jun 08, 2010 4:19 pm

    Humm de dum. I'm going to comment reply anyways, even if you don't have a new blog post up. πŸ™‚

    I fell out of love with Twitter because I fell in love with Facebook. *guilty*

    O m g. I love old things too! My grandparents are awesome. xD
    Rah! You and yo' boyfriend aren't gettin' my baby camera!

  • mandie
    Jun 08, 2010 2:37 am

    hahaha ever since i stumbled onto your site about a year ago i have been lurking your comical blog updates.

    I just wanted to say that you definitely make my day brighter with your humorous, sarcastic mind of yous πŸ˜€

  • Passion
    Jun 07, 2010 12:25 pm


    lol!! you are crazy!
    walking and jogging aren't that bad unless it's really hot.
    "She spent the first 2 years of my life teaching me how to walk and talk… which is weird, because she spent the next 18 telling me to sit down and shut-up". lol, this line killed me.

  • Shakima
    Jun 05, 2010 9:29 pm

    I love walking if I have to
    Otherwise summertime I dont walk for no one.
    I ride my bike eevrywhere, even if its half a block up.
    Even though people may think bike riding requires more energy than walking, it does yet, I feel lots of wind riding and I dont have to bake in the sun draggin my feet.
    I find everything you mentioned ironically funny because its true.
    As usual I enjoye reading your blog as I always do.
    Will return as well.

  • alex
    Jun 05, 2010 11:35 am

    thankfully i was able to block her and whenever she tries to come to my site she'll get redirected.

  • Grace
    Jun 05, 2010 6:16 am

    Yeah, I bet your right Justin! Everyone has some disorder, its just a little scary when you know sometings wrong. I have ADD as well. Good to know someone who has it as well in the blogging world.

  • Georgina
    Jun 05, 2010 5:26 am

    LOL I loved all the puns and references in this blog. Walking is pretty overrated but I actually take a different stance – I do love it. I seriously think it beats any other form of exercise. For example, running. I despise running! I think walking is just pretty easy, in comparison to kicking a ball or lifting weights. It's kind of a natural thing to do.

    I don't think it was nice that you were pressured into walking. The walking I hate is when my mum's in a really huge shopping mood. WALKING IS TERRIBLE IN THAT SITUATION!

    I think we have all been in the situation where we walked into a room, forgetting what we initially went there for. πŸ˜›

  • Kitty
    Jun 05, 2010 2:22 am

    You're hilarious! I think you should stop walking as a protest and make a group of followers!
    Jogging is worse, indeed.

  • Gail
    Jun 04, 2010 10:56 pm

    Yes, very overrated. But we have to love our legs, because some people can't walk and are dying to walk while us hated to do that stupid leg-soaring thing. Yes, I'm also bitter. I have this prob on my legs that I have to wear like a cast every summer for 30 days. It's hard because I can't walk properly and I can't bend my knees. When I'll bend it, it will hurt so much. πŸ™ HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. haha!

  • Rainie
    Jun 04, 2010 10:18 pm

    WALKING IS OVERRATED. I think the Japanese invented a car chair that's like a wheel chair for lazy people. Sort of like the one in Wall-E those fat people use. I don't get why they haven't released it yet. Darn the Japanese, keeping all the good stuff to themselves!

  • Brandy
    Jun 04, 2010 5:58 pm

    <blockquote>When I was a baby, I had everything figured out — I crawled. Crawling burns way more calories (which is weird, because a lot of babies look chubby). But anyway, back then, I wriggled around like a little coyote, and it made me a badass. Unfortunately, my mom ruined everything. She spent the first 2 years of my life teaching me how to walk and talk… which is weird, because she spent the next 18 telling me to sit down and shut-up.</blockquote>

    LMFAO. Sounds exactly like my Mom. Oh, I love you Justin. Your blogs crack me up.

  • Mallory
    Jun 04, 2010 4:07 pm

    LOL, you're hilarious, Justin — Even *I* wouldn't dare use that many stand up comedianesque jokes and puns in one entry, bwahaha! XD;

    You have courage, my friend. I like this.

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    My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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