A Man Walks into a Bar

Walking is overrated. There, I said it. When it comes to traveling from point A to point B, I’d rather be catapulted on fire.

Walking makes my legs sore and lethargic. I hate it so much that when it comes time for a stroll, I have to do it super early in the morning before my brain figures out.

If it were possible to sleepwalk on command, I’d be all over that.

I don’t care if walking is good exercise. If walking is so good for you, then why does every mailman I’ve ever seen look like Rosie O’Donnell?

Okay, forgive me for sounding bitter. While on vacation, I did a lot of walking. It got so bad that my legs gave out, and I fell into a lamp. As I was destroying the light source, I didn’t feel too bright (I’ll see myself out).

And that’s not the only time walking has made me feel stupid. Have you ever walked into a room and then forgot why you walked in there in the first place? It happens to me all the time. Between you and me, I think that’s how dogs live their lives.

I suppose walking isn’t always a bad thing. I do like long walks… when they’re taken by people who annoy me.

When I was a baby, I had it all figured out; I crawled. Crawling was easier on the legs, and it burned way more calories. I wiggled around like a little coyote, and it made me a badass.

Unfortunately, my mom ruined everything. She spent the first 2 years of my life teaching me how to walk and talk. Well, the joke’s on her. She spent the next 18 telling me to sit down and shut-up.

The public school system also pressured me into walking. I remember being taught that before I criticize someone, I should walk a mile in their shoes. That’s pretty good advice. I mean, once you get around to making fun of them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

I’ll admit that there are worse things than walking. At least I’m not jogging. Jogging makes my man-boobs bounce up and down.

I remember reading somewhere that jogging could add years to my life. That’s definitely the truth. Every time I jog, I feel ten years older.

Leave Comment


  • Jill Wellington
    Jul 06, 2010 9:20 am

    This made me laugh! I agree..I don't like to walk either…but I'm glad I CAN! You are funny!!!

  • Christine
    Jun 24, 2010 10:38 pm

    LMAO! That was too funny! I actually enjoy walking (when I put my mind to it, of course). But I'm always so lazy that the idea of walking from the couch to answer the ringing phone in the room behind me seems daunting. But my jelly belly is starting to make me look like a have a second set of boobs emerging from below the real set, so I think it's time to start walking more often. But I, too, am sent into a state of fear and loathing when thinking about jogging, or worse, full-on running. And in my opinion, mailmen are the laziest people ever (no offense to anyone). My mailman is too lazy to deliver smaller packages to my door that he spend like 5 minutes trying to shove it onto my mailbox. In fact, today I received a package that was marked "delivery confirmation". Doesn't that mean he's supposed to DELIVER it then? Nope, he shoved my "do not bend" package into my mailbox. Fatass. I understand it's 113 degrees out, but did it ever occur to you that if you deliver the package to my door, I might just give you a free bottle of water for the road? Huh, seems these mailmen aren't too "bright" either, lol!

  • Mandie
    Jun 24, 2010 11:51 am

    I am pretty sure I've already read this blog entry, but I just had to re-read it. Your sarcastic-ness is awesome 😀

  • Chynna
    Jun 22, 2010 9:33 am

    Lol, your blog posts always make me laugh.
    Kind of see your point though… I hate walking as well. Like, what's the point?
    Well, obviously we have two legs but no-one said we HAD to use them. Haha.


  • Tara
    Jun 21, 2010 7:43 am

    I like walking. I daydream the best when I walk on flat grounds, not so much on hills and mountains! But really, walking can be relaxing for me.

  • Katie
    Jun 20, 2010 1:55 pm

    I wish I could fly. I do like walking, but having to walk 25 minutes to the bus stop is just annoying & I usually miss the latest bus by about 5 minutes which sucks!!

  • Jenny
    Jun 20, 2010 10:18 am

    Sorry, but I'd rather walk than get catapulted on fire, lol. I don't mind walking, as long as the weather is sunny with a cool breeze, I'm wearing comfortable shoes and clothes, and it's not too far. Oh and nice scenery would be a plus 😀
    I lol'ed at the comment about being a mile away and having their shoes. Brilliant advice indeed 😀

  • Nomru
    Jun 18, 2010 11:16 pm

    Messed up,isnt it? Teach you to laugh and talk and crawl, then tell you to stop. Seriously, is there an 'Off' button somewhere on my arm no one's told me about? Maybe a 'Unlearn' switch?
    The really funny thing is that the milmen here are skinny but they just ride the little car. The ones who walk are the chubby ones. How is that??
    A mystery they keep heavily guarded…

  • Jess
    Jun 17, 2010 10:30 am

    Walking… I like it in moderation. Although I do hate walking around at amusement parks -_-; I'd rather be walking, though, than riding about in a little chair like in Wall-E… Poor guys couldn't stand up after sitting so long. 🙁
    Our mailman doesn't walk around, he rides in his car. And I've seen him eating fried chicken wings from KFC as he's stuffing junk mail into our mailbox. Hope you had fun at Disney! (I'm jealous. Never been there :S )

  • Taversia
    Jun 16, 2010 1:58 pm

    …Good god, Justin; your post had SO many puns and punchlines in it, my head is still spinning… lol!! =P Yeesh!

  • Samantha
    Jun 14, 2010 5:04 pm

    You're so awesome.

    Unfortunatly, I'm one of those unusual people who actually ENJOY walking. Oh and get this–I jog for FUN.

    I know. It's a hard concept to understand.

    Crawling isn't really my thing, but you know, hye, whatever works for you. I think if everyone tried that now, the world would be a much stranger place. Then what would we do when we're babies? Windsprint? Mannn, that would make things complicated.

  • Catherine
    Jun 14, 2010 8:59 am

    I actually quite like walking at times, but then again it depends on the distance xP I walk to school everyday, I find it quite relaxing and a good time to reflect :]

    Lol walking in to a room and then thinking 'um, why am I here?', happens to me quite often xP

    When I went to New York we walked for agessss. I think we actually walked from the Empire State (near where our hotel was), to the place where you can see the statue of liberty (well the boat tour place) and where the WTS used to be. I'm probably making no sense here xP

  • Sindara
    Jun 14, 2010 8:21 am

    I was going to take English 11, but I dropped it for the summer, because I switched to the smart-kids English! Go me!!! Now all I have is US History…

    I really don't mind school in the summer. I sorta wish school was more like it. A class a day.. Even if it was for 2 1/2 hours. It isn't as bad. I really do need to go to summer school, or else I sleep until 10 or 11 AM. Which is not good for me.

    My pretty hair.. awe thank you. Truth it is already cut, and she cuted it wrong so now my layers turn into a HUGE AFRO! I REALLY hate my dad– afro is his fault!

  • Maria Celina
    Jun 13, 2010 11:46 am

    "I do like long walks… when they're taken by people who annoy me." That line made me laugh.

    I can definitely see your argument in going for crawling.. although sometimes that can leave rather questionable burns on your knees and people might think that you have been doing something entirely different. =P

    Kidding aside, thanks for a fun-filled post!

  • tiff k
    Jun 13, 2010 3:56 am

    HAHAHA OMG this post sort of brightened up my day! So different! XD hahaha I actually like walking especially in Hongkong because there's so many people and it's not boring. But too much walking is a pain! hehehe.

    I do get that all the time though, the walking in a room and then wonder what am I doing here. It's like we were abducted by aliens for a few seconds XD

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