Vampires can Bite Me

Vampires confuse the hell out of me. I mean, if something is immortal, it shouldn’t be able to die.

I can forgive one weakness, but when their immortality is compromised by sunlight, lack of blood, garlic, religion, fire, running water, silver, and even wooden stakes through the heart; they’re basically human. That chick from Heroes was more of a badass.

Who came up with the wooden stake idea, anyway? Imagine how boring the Superman comics would be if his greatest weakness was lumber. (Actually, I’d probably want to read an issue).

Vampires are nothing but losers. They have pointy teeth, pale skin, and a fear of sunlight. In other words, they’re freaky anti-social emo losers with a fear of sunlight. Somehow, despite all of this, teen girls across the globe want to spoon them.

Perhaps it’s because the Twilight movies got it all wrong. They made vampires too pretty. Edward Cullen’s greatest curse is that he glistens in the sun like a Covergirl.

And for someone who has no reflection, he sure has damn perfect hair.

Even more ridiculous; now these vampires can read minds and predict the future. Half way through New Moon, I thought I was watching an X-Men sequel.

For me, the most unsettling part of Twilight is that Edward watches Bella while she sleeps. How do people find this romantic? It’s creepy. Pardon me for not knowing Paranormal Activity was a chick flick.

It also doesn’t help that he’s older than my grandmother’s grandmother. Just saying.

These Twilight vampires are nothing like real vampires… or, well, nothing like real vampires if vampires were real.

At one point in the film, Bella says, “You’re pale white and ice cold. I know what you are,” and Edward responds, “Say it. Say it, out loud.” Honestly, I was waiting for her to look back at him and exclaim, “Vanilla ice cream!”

The only thing more backwards than Twilight vampires is Twilight werewolves. Just as Edward is a representation of a cougar, Jacob is a representation of bestiality. Stay tuned for a spin-off novel where Bella gives birth to a puppy.

Werewolves were specifically designed to be the most hideous monsters on the planet. They have an abundance of hair, pointy ears, and a gimpy-ass tail. Seriously girls, if that’s your type, why not date my uncle?

Just from experience, the guy that runs around on all fours and barks at the moon is typically not boyfriend material.

In conclusion, I suppose there’s no stopping this strange teenage obsession. But if flesh-eating freaks are the latest craze, don’t be surprised to see t-shirts that read “Team Hannibal.”

Leave Comment


  • Black the wolf
    Jan 16, 2016 10:27 pm


  • princess
    Sep 05, 2010 8:53 pm

    hahaha so true but edward is still hot i luv how he looks with his perfect hair and awsum paleness and in the other hand jacob wow hes just simply hot especially dose abbs

  • Lucius Malloy's Boy
    Aug 13, 2010 8:34 pm

    Just as a disclaimer, I was never into vampires, and Twilight didn't change that (how could it lol).

    Vampires are the essence of sexiness. It's the same reasoning behind the sexiness of the bad boy, of motorcycles, etc. Vampires are dangerous, and yet utterly seductive. Just watch Vampire Diaries (except not the pilot) or any of the other normal vampire movies (where the vampire does NOT sparkle).

    Werewolves on the other hand, I don't understand. They're cool, but I can't see them being sexy. And fyi Jacob was not a werewolf, he was a SHAPE-SHIFTER and the particular shape their clan shift into is the wolf. They just didn't know the difference between shape-shifters and werewolves.

  • dyeve
    Aug 07, 2010 3:02 am

    *with*..they just don't..

  • Dyeve
    Aug 07, 2010 3:00 am

    In my conception of vampires πŸ™‚ they are just normal human beings with don't eat normal things like us and not live like normal people ..normal…. but in the rest they seems pretty …ok – some of them. =)

    Nice post, btw! I enjoyed every second. πŸ™‚

    Have a nice week-end!

  • tiff k
    Aug 04, 2010 5:27 pm

    OMG I love this post so much! XD That line of Bella's and Edward's have been spoofed enough but I like your answer the best πŸ˜€ VANILLA ICE CREAM! XD hhahaha!

    Man twilight is indeed rubbish isn't it? Disgrace to all real fake vamps! XD

    hahaa i guess a stake is the proper weapon to kill a vamp because the only way u cn kill it is to stop its heart? But isn't its heart not beating coz it's dead? Weird logic XD In the olden days, I guess you couldn't blow up vamps yet so they used stakes XD

  • Chynna
    Aug 04, 2010 2:40 am

    Hahaha, seriously – I LOVE your blog posts. I honestly don't get this Twilight mania, though. I've watched the first Twilight and thought it was absolutely shi, so I've refused to watch any sequels, or whatever. The books – well, don't even get me started.

    Robert Pattinson is ugly anyway. I see NO appeal, whatsoever. Lol x

  • Aileen
    Aug 03, 2010 8:22 am

    You know, your Vanilla Ice Cream thing really reminds me of a spoof video on Youtube. She looks back at him and says "a mermaid." Vanilla ice cream is a much better comparison.

    I used to love Twilight myself, not anymore though. I used to think the whole watching-her-while-she-sleeps thing was romantic but when you hear your Mum yell "he's a stalker!" you can't take it too seriously.

    Haha, very funny rant. Vampires really have lost their credibility. Then again, True Blood is very good.

  • Tiff
    Aug 01, 2010 10:05 pm

    HAHA I actually never thought of vampires that way, although my favorite vampire movies are the ones based on Anne Rice's novels. πŸ™‚

    Technically, the wolves in Twilight aren't werewolves, they're shape shifters so they're kind of a pussy version of the real "werewolves". I watch True Blood which is the perfect vampire show: sex, gore, & blood.

    This blog was really amusing!

    I think that it's only creepy when a guy watches you sleep if he snuck into your room to do it. Otherwise, if you were sleeping & he woke up first & just stared at you because he thought you looked beautiful, then it wouldn't be creepy. It'd be kind of cute because he thinks you're beautiful. haha.

  • Cy
    Jul 31, 2010 4:59 pm

    Ha! This is the first time I've come across your website, but this post is absolute genius. I happen to be a teenage girl, and wow do I HATE Twilight. This whole obsession is totally absurd ~ And everything you've said here is totally right. My favourite part ; "Edward Cullen's greatest curse is that he glistens in the sun like a Covergirl."
    Great post πŸ™‚

  • Kat
    Jul 30, 2010 9:46 am

    hey sorry for taking forever to get back to you with all the website shit and all that.

    Haha thanks, and I was working as a technical support person at a call centre. I had to work that far away coz there's no jobs going around here πŸ™

    and in a nutshell basically a bunch of my flatmates got together and got a house behind me and another girls back and didnt tell me so i found out on my own and they were really cliquey (think mean girls but with guys as well)

    hahaha great post, made me laugh so much, I dont get why girls obsess over vampires and werewolves either it's like…uhhh you do know they're not real right? besides 'Edward' is a total wuss and like you said he sparkles…wtf? and watches her sleep i'd be like get the fuck out!

    i dont know if you've read breaking dawn but if you havent you are in for a treat: think necrophilia, a werewolf falling in love with a half vampire toddler and beastiality as well as a half vampire foetus ripping open Bella's stomach. it's so disturbing and ludicrous you will laugh.

  • Felisa
    Jul 28, 2010 12:34 am

    VANILLA ICE CREAM!!! Hahahaha I almost died.
    I don't get the vampire/werewolf craze either. If I had to pick, I'd go for zombies. At least they're not superficial… they like you for your brains.

  • Ian C
    Jul 27, 2010 9:08 pm

    Biting comedy, thanks for the laugh. I agree that modern vampires are lame and I am proud to wear my 'Team Nosferatu' shirt.
    I did hear that Mattel were contemplating tapping the monster market with "Bloodsucking Barbie" and her lupine boyfriend "LyKen"

  • Olivia H.
    Jul 27, 2010 6:47 pm

    lol… Well, vampires are ya know… fiction. You can believe vampires are immortal and eat garlic for breakfast. Who can argue? Edward Cullen isn't good looking, lol. Although I guess he's supposed to be. lol @ Team Hannibal. There will have to be a romance novel about a sexy, bad ass teenage Hannibal first…

  • Erin Nicole
    Jul 26, 2010 4:42 pm

    Some girls go for the bad boy. I don't understand that either.

    Hahahahahaha. He is ugly. I don't get the sensation over Edward or Taylor. :/ It annoys me to death. & yeah twilight does have him and Taylor with perfect hair. Hahahaha. How ironic.

    Hahahahahaha. That is funny! I love x-men but seeing twilight as x-men? Uhm, no. Lol.

    OMG! I LOVE PARANORMAL ACTIVITY! HOLY CRAP THAT CRAP WAS SCARY! XD I want to watch it again. Lol. I'm so weird.
    Anyway, that is creepy. I've never seen any of the movies and I don't care to. Just cuz the story lines are all messed up.

    hahahahahah. That would be one hilarious parody. XD Omg. I can just see it now! *watches it in her head*

    OMG! you are so mean to your uncle, seriously. Hahahahahahahaha.

    No, they are def not the most stable bf's.

    LMFAO! Someone should sell shirts like that just to make fun of the Twilight series. They'd make good money, seeing as there are just as many fans as haters. πŸ™‚
    Thanks! <3 I do feel better now after a vacation. I just needed to get out of town. Hahaha. I did one better, I got out of state and state and state. XD I went all of the way from AL to Ohio. πŸ™‚

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