I’m a Sleep Moaner

Two years ago, I woke up in my dorm to find my roommate, and several of his friends, hovering over my bed. Each of them had huge, suspicious grins on their faces. Naturally, I thought they had sharpied a dingdong on my face. It turns out, they were actually laughing at the strange noises I was making.

Apparently, I moan in my sleep. Now, to my knowledge, these aren’t sexual moans (and if they are, then why the hell do I get pleasure out of losing my teeth). Rather, the moans are because I fail at breathing. A quick search on Google shows I’m not alone.

Occasionally, as I’m falling asleep, I hear myself doing it. The sound is certainly not flattering. It kind of sounds like a zombie grunt, but only if the zombie is a camel or a walrus. The moan also has a moo sound that would certainly put any heifer to shame. The moo, however, is more of a mouh, and it echoes the chant in Lady Gaga’s Pokerface.

The moan also resembles the foghorn noise that the tripods made in the War of the Worlds remake. The best way to describe it, I suppose, is the noise an old man makes when he’s blowing onto his hot soup – muEhhhh.

Waking up with an audience is not the only side-effect of my sleepmoaning. I also can’t sleep in class. Professors always knows I’m not paying attention when it sounds like Christina Aguilera is belting in the back of the classroom.

Long ago, I fell asleep with my door locked on accident. When the moaning noises began, my mom thought I had snuck a lover through my window.

Why can’t I do something normal in my sleep like sleepwalk or wet the bed [insert an I Peed a Little joke here]? Every time I tell my friends about the problem, they assume I have an illness or a mental condition or syphilis.

I wonder what other kinky and seemingly sexual things I do in my sleep. I can’t wait til the morning I wake up in assless chaps.

Maybe I should embrace the moans and use them to become a celebrity. I mean, I could always become one of those ladies in the shampoo commercials. The only pitfall is that I must be asleep, so I’d probably drown.

Justin Bieber moans a lot in his music, so maybe I could become a singer.

The only other moaner I can think of is Moaning Myrtle from the Harry Potter books, but she’s creepy as hell. She’s basically a pubescent dead voyeur watching school-age boys take a dump. I think I can find a better role model.

Leave Comment


  • Adrian Killgrave
    Feb 24, 2016 11:59 am

    Heeheeheeheeee , That HAS to suck

  • Holly
    May 25, 2012 12:31 am

    Oh my :O That must be absolutey mortifying! However, it is kind of cute that it sounds slightly like a cow? But seriously, that has to be terrible waking up to an audience like that 🙁 I suppose if you're ever getting teased for not getting laid however, you could certainly put on a convincing show for the folks who won't shut up!

  • Michelle
    May 10, 2012 3:56 pm

    That is interesting. At least you don't snore..;/

    I'm glad you have some sense of humor about your condition. Not many people would.

  • Kenji
    May 06, 2012 4:55 am

    Oh no!! and I thought my snoring was bad!

  • Dorine
    Apr 23, 2012 1:33 am

    Well, that's interesting and new to me. Me, when I'm sleeping, I have rather interesting sleeping positions. I can hike my leg up in bed, sleep with both legs on a higher mattress . . . whatever.

    Okay, I'm not trying to offend you but I just wanted to say that I'm really proud to know that you're open about your sexuality. Too many people hide about it. I mean, so some people don't like it. So what? Be proud of it. Your life, right? (insert all the rubbish from my rant here)

    Okay. That's enough.

  • Theri
    Apr 15, 2012 6:14 am

    Omg dude I have the same problem! This story is pretty much the story of my life. Now I know I'm not the only one – and my roommate ( whos very well aware of my little problem) sent this to me!
    I too, blame it on breathing problems. all the time.

  • Deanna
    Apr 14, 2012 5:39 am

    I nominate you for the "Versatile Blogger Award". Check my website for details.

  • Taylor
    Mar 17, 2012 9:15 am

    If people are listening to you moan in your sleep, I'd suggest attempting to exaggerate it while nearing sleep.

    Perhaps louder, or their names.
    They'll soon stop listening.

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