I’m a Sleep Moaner

Two years ago, I woke up in my dorm to find my roommate, and several of his friends, hovering over my bed. Each of them had huge, suspicious grins on their faces. Naturally, I thought they had sharpied a dingdong on my face. It turns out, they were actually laughing at the strange noises I was making.

Apparently, I moan in my sleep. Now, to my knowledge, these aren’t sexual moans (and if they are, then why the hell do I get pleasure out of losing my teeth). Rather, the moans are because I fail at breathing. A quick search on Google shows I’m not alone.

Occasionally, as I’m falling asleep, I hear myself doing it. The sound is certainly not flattering. It kind of sounds like a zombie grunt, but only if the zombie is a camel or a walrus. The moan also has a moo sound that would certainly put any heifer to shame. The moo, however, is more of a mouh, and it echoes the chant in Lady Gaga’s Pokerface.

The moan also resembles the foghorn noise that the tripods made in the War of the Worlds remake. The best way to describe it, I suppose, is the noise an old man makes when he’s blowing onto his hot soup – muEhhhh.

Waking up with an audience is not the only side-effect of my sleepmoaning. I also can’t sleep in class. Professors always knows I’m not paying attention when it sounds like Christina Aguilera is belting in the back of the classroom.

Long ago, I fell asleep with my door locked on accident. When the moaning noises began, my mom thought I had snuck a lover through my window.

Why can’t I do something normal in my sleep like sleepwalk or wet the bed [insert an I Peed a Little joke here]? Every time I tell my friends about the problem, they assume I have an illness or a mental condition or syphilis.

I wonder what other kinky and seemingly sexual things I do in my sleep. I can’t wait til the morning I wake up in assless chaps.

Maybe I should embrace the moans and use them to become a celebrity. I mean, I could always become one of those ladies in the shampoo commercials. The only pitfall is that I must be asleep, so I’d probably drown.

Justin Bieber moans a lot in his music, so maybe I could become a singer.

The only other moaner I can think of is Moaning Myrtle from the Harry Potter books, but she’s creepy as hell. She’s basically a pubescent dead voyeur watching school-age boys take a dump. I think I can find a better role model.

Leave Comment

May 19 8:53 am

I would rather moan! I'm a walker and a talker, and a conversationalist I have learned! My mom's had full conversations with me while I'm sleeping. She says I like to talk about weird things, ranging from apples to birds. I'm not quit sure what I'm dreaming about during it all but I always end up back in my bed. I can be a bonified creeper though πŸ˜‰ I'll walk out of the house and set outside. XD

I guess be thankful they haven't video'ed you yet? That would be embarassing beyond all belief!

May 19 7:15 am

i guess doing weird things while you sleep is something all of us do. my dad sometimes find me talking while i’m asleep, too bad i’m talking in another language than humans can understand because it would be fun to know what i’m actually talking about, lol!

yes red, white and blue is the colours on the norwegian flag πŸ˜€ and uhmm i’m not sure which math, normal math? nothing too complicated, but wait, math is complicated itself.

May 19 6:33 am

I do moan when I am tired from my daily activities and when I do have my best dreams ever! πŸ™‚

Well I think that's normal. Isn't it? Thanks for dropping by my blog!

May 19 6:15 am

i know some other people who also moans on their sleep! i guess it's because of too much tiredness that's why you can't breathe properly. but in any case, you really should consult a doctor!

May 19 5:14 am

OMIGOD. Hahaha! That's a different sound from snoring too? It's a good thing you don't snore. Snore + Moan = I don't wanna know. LOL

My boyfriend sleepwalks, sleeptalks, and sleeptouches… Whether it be a guy or girl beside him on the bed. So now, I make sure he sleeps with no one else but me. It can get pretty dangerous. LOL But I'm used to it πŸ˜‰

May 19 4:36 am

I make noises when I sleep sometimes. Lsst week I woke myself up because of a sound I made. It really startled me. I must have been really over tired.

May 18 9:53 pm

hahaha i have seen one of my friends doing weird stuff while sleeping. i think he's not aware of that but it's disturbing because i'm a girl. :))

i did a report about sleep disorders. i even saw some thingie (like a brace) where they put inside your mouth to prevent those moans and weird sounds. :p

May 18 9:23 pm

Definitely embrace the moaning. Maybe you could be a phone sex operator? The kind that doesn't say anything and just moans? Think about it – you could work and sleep at the same time!

I believe you should record your sleep moans. Post 'em up. For science of course.

If it makes you feel any better, I make wheezy little mewing noises when I sleep. It's my small inefficient lungs!

May 18 7:59 pm

LOL. Well, I've seen stranger things done in one's sleep. Actually a couple friends of mine had a decent conversation going while asleep, except their responses were really brief and came at about 10 minute intervals throughout the middle of the night.
People do all sorts of crazy things in their sleep. It may be embarrassing but as long as it's not life-threatening/potentially dangerous (i.e sleepwalking), might as well enjoy it x)
Btw thanks very much for your nice comment!

May 18 7:10 pm

My cousins say that I make a noise from my teeth when I sleep. I dont know what it's called though. gee. I wonder what kind of disorder it is. haha`

May 18 6:01 pm

I'm sorry, but all I can seem to say about this is that it's quite odd, haha…

May 18 5:28 pm

Wow this made me laugh. Not anything related to the subject, but the way you wrote the entry. Hilarious and audience-attracting. ^/_^

I don't think it's an illness or mental condition (of course could be wrong). I'm sure everyone's got sleeping habits and when you have roommates both parties will have to just accept the truth. Oh the joys of dorming …

May 18 4:29 pm

I will DM the pics to you on Twit. Don't want the whole world to see. Mr. Creeper! πŸ˜€

You know if you just drove one hour here I could just like show you them!

I really never go to doctors unless I need stitches or shots. I will google whatever you said though!

May 18 3:26 pm

You are the first to comment since my comeback! How sweet of you! πŸ˜€

Truth, I just started liking the other two. Micheal came to school without a shirt, and man you would be panting if you seen him. WOOT! How are you and your lover?

The song is a good one, I was like ehh, I will just get it and maybe I will get used to it or something, but now I am in love with it!

I will tell Lyn!

On to commenting your epic blog!

I love your blog. (does Kressa know you don't go for girls?) lol also! I hold my breath when I sleep and I will do it for five to ten minutes, when I was younger my parents would come in and make sure I was still alive. πŸ˜›

I used to sleep walk and I still snore and breathe funny. πŸ˜›

I am sorry, but that War of the Worlds thing gave me the exact picture of you doing that. Sorta funny. Also bad boy sneaking boys in your room! Especially unsupervised! Naughty Naughty!

May 18 12:11 pm

Lol I know it must suck having to deal with something like that. But your explanation concerning your situation is funny as hell. How do girls react to it? I'm sure words cannot describe it πŸ˜›


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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