Two years ago, I woke up in my dorm to find my roommate, and several of his friends, hovering over my bed. Each of them had huge, suspicious grins on their faces. Naturally, I thought they had sharpied a dingdong on my face. It turns out, they were actually laughing at the strange noises I was making.
Apparently, I moan in my sleep. Now, to my knowledge, these aren’t sexual moans (and if they are, then why the hell do I get pleasure out of losing my teeth). Rather, the moans are because I fail at breathing. A quick search on Google shows I’m not alone.
Occasionally, as I’m falling asleep, I hear myself doing it. The sound is certainly not flattering. It kind of sounds like a zombie grunt, but only if the zombie is a camel or a walrus. The moan also has a moo sound that would certainly put any heifer to shame. The moo, however, is more of a mouh, and it echoes the chant in Lady Gaga’s Pokerface.
The moan also resembles the foghorn noise that the tripods made in the War of the Worlds remake. The best way to describe it, I suppose, is the noise an old man makes when he’s blowing onto his hot soup – muEhhhh.
Waking up with an audience is not the only side-effect of my sleepmoaning. I also can’t sleep in class. Professors always knows I’m not paying attention when it sounds like Christina Aguilera is belting in the back of the classroom.
Long ago, I fell asleep with my door locked on accident. When the moaning noises began, my mom thought I had snuck a lover through my window.
Why can’t I do something normal in my sleep like sleepwalk or wet the bed [insert an I Peed a Little joke here]? Every time I tell my friends about the problem, they assume I have an illness or a mental condition or syphilis.
I wonder what other kinky and seemingly sexual things I do in my sleep. I can’t wait til the morning I wake up in assless chaps.
Maybe I should embrace the moans and use them to become a celebrity. I mean, I could always become one of those ladies in the shampoo commercials. The only pitfall is that I must be asleep, so I’d probably drown.
Justin Bieber moans a lot in his music, so maybe I could become a singer.
The only other moaner I can think of is Moaning Myrtle from the Harry Potter books, but she’s creepy as hell. She’s basically a pubescent dead voyeur watching school-age boys take a dump. I think I can find a better role model.