18

MAY

I’m a Sleep Moaner

Two years ago, I woke up in my dorm to find my roommate, and several of his friends, hovering over my bed. Each of them had huge, suspicious grins on their faces. Naturally, I thought they had sharpied a dingdong on my face. It turns out, they were actually laughing at the strange noises I was making.

Apparently, I moan in my sleep. Now, to my knowledge, these aren’t sexual moans (and if they are, then why the hell do I get pleasure out of losing my teeth). Rather, the moans are because I fail at breathing. A quick search on Google shows I’m not alone.

Occasionally, as I’m falling asleep, I hear myself doing it. The sound is certainly not flattering. It kind of sounds like a zombie grunt, but only if the zombie is a camel or a walrus. The moan also has a moo sound that would certainly put any heifer to shame. The moo, however, is more of a mouh, and it echoes the chant in Lady Gaga’s Pokerface.

The moan also resembles the foghorn noise that the tripods made in the War of the Worlds remake. The best way to describe it, I suppose, is the noise an old man makes when he’s blowing onto his hot soup – muEhhhh.

Waking up with an audience is not the only side-effect of my sleepmoaning. I also can’t sleep in class. Professors always knows I’m not paying attention when it sounds like Christina Aguilera is belting in the back of the classroom.

Long ago, I fell asleep with my door locked on accident. When the moaning noises began, my mom thought I had snuck a lover through my window.

Why can’t I do something normal in my sleep like sleepwalk or wet the bed [insert an I Peed a Little joke here]? Every time I tell my friends about the problem, they assume I have an illness or a mental condition or syphilis.

I wonder what other kinky and seemingly sexual things I do in my sleep. I can’t wait til the morning I wake up in assless chaps.

Maybe I should embrace the moans and use them to become a celebrity. I mean, I could always become one of those ladies in the shampoo commercials. The only pitfall is that I must be asleep, so I’d probably drown.

Justin Bieber moans a lot in his music, so maybe I could become a singer.

The only other moaner I can think of is Moaning Myrtle from the Harry Potter books, but she’s creepy as hell. She’s basically a pubescent dead voyeur watching school-age boys take a dump. I think I can find a better role model.

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83 Comments

  • Sherry Zander
    Jun 06, 2011 5:16 pm

    The only thing missing from this post was an audio recording of your sleep moaning — such a shame …


  • Simone
    Jun 06, 2011 11:06 am

    Wow. I never knew moaning in your sleep was so serious and had an affect on your life. I don't think it's weird of anything though. I mean people snore and make noises in their sleep all the time so what's the big deal, no need for an audience. It would be kindve embarrassing to do it at school or something.


  • Aashni
    Jun 05, 2011 12:32 pm

    Yup. 15 exams. But they're all over now, and I don't wanna think about how badly I failed them. lol.

    yup, I like to keep myself busy, so I have a lot of stuff to do online πŸ™‚ lol
    i've actually opened a new site – scuttlebutt.me πŸ™‚ you should check it out (if work doesn't swamp you too much!)

    and thanks. I've completely revamped my hosting site – new layout, new packages, everything πŸ™‚ emnhosting.com πŸ™‚ If you ever need a new host, I can hook you up πŸ™‚ har har har

    haha. just haha. I love that you're blogging again πŸ™‚
    moaning in your sleep.. this is something I haven't heard. My mother has a strange issue. Ok, snoring isn't a strange issue, but I'm not 100% convinced that the sounds coming out of her mouth are actually snoring sounds. We have a pretty big house, and if she's up in her room, with the door closed, and I"m downstairs in the outter kitchen withthe door closed, I CAN STILL HEAR HER.

    I, however, also have strange sleeping habbits. I seem to talk in my sleep. But it's strange – it only happens if someone comes next to me, or tries to take something that's next to me. I start going "No, that's mine!" I guess I'm a security guard in my sleep…? Is that possible…?

    Ooh. Justin Bieber joke. I have to. You should record yourself moaning in your sleep, upload it to youtube. You'll be more famous that Bieber's moans in a minute! I can't believe you didn't make a Rebecca Black joke here.. unless you like her…

    To be honest, I think i've started to stop hating her song… haha


  • Ecommerce Developer
    Jun 05, 2011 12:51 am

    I have a huge smile while I was reading your post cause I suddenly remember my boyfriend. He's also snoring but sometimes I hear something like that. He can't sleep on the bus (when we're commuting) because he's too noisy when he sleeps. lol

    gee, so you shouldn't really sleep while in class or else you will be laughing stock.


  • Becca
    Jun 02, 2011 4:19 pm

    You’re not alone with the ‘zombie’ grunts – my boyfriend does that as well, haha. Scared the crap out of me the first time he did it while sleeping beside me, then I got angry because I was like “SEXUAL DREAM RIGHT BESIDE ME? COME ON NOW!”, then realized it’s probably pretty normal, hahaha.


  • Julia
    May 31, 2011 9:29 pm

    Yeah, the first time I looked it up on Google, I saw the book. But THAT Korean Secret Garden has no "the." Gah, I don't know.

    LOL! I feel better knowing that someone else is also weird when they're sleeping. xD

    Maybe you could ask them to take a video of you muEhhhh-ing in your sleep. I'll be the first to watch it.


  • Holly
    May 31, 2011 3:40 am

    We have a strange grade system at college in England. An A to an E is a pass. The next grade is a U which is a fail. Haha no it wasn't good at all, especially when I'm aiming for B's to get in to university.

    I don't moan in my sleep; I talk and laugh in my sleep. Apparently it's the funniest thing ever. My one friend always jokes about when I use to go to her house to sleepover and I'd just have a chat with her while I was asleep.

    There is a guy in my college who always falls asleep in lessons and he snores so loud. It's incredibly funny!

    I have slept walked in the past as well. My parents have just found me walking in to my brother room in the middle of the night. It's so strange!


  • Tiffany
    May 30, 2011 4:15 pm

    This entertained me so much. I do not know if I do anything in my sleep. i think I just sleep haha but I do breathe heavy. Whenever I am in a sleepover with my friends that are coed, I always think the guys are gonna draw dicks on my face too lol Anyway at least they find your moaning entertaining lol. I think you should use it to your advantage and become famous:) YOu could be the second Justin, the moaning one πŸ™‚ u can be a sleeping act lol


  • Kerry
    May 30, 2011 12:41 pm

    Apparently I make noises in my sleep as well. I notice little noises occasionally as I'm dropping off, but nothing too bad.

    I've also been made aware that I've recently started talking in my sleep. Not mumbling, like a lot of people do, but talking very clearly. The other night apparently I rolled over and said "I knew she'd come in and say that". I genuinely have no idea what I must have been dreaming about.

    I think any kind of activity when you're asleep should be excused. I mean, it's not like you can help it. I just know that it's entertaining for people when they hear/see you doing something. And they're always quick to let me know exactly what I've said or done. :|


  • Jayde
    May 26, 2011 1:09 pm

    LMFAO! This was hilarious!!! We all do something in our sleep. I've been told that I fight a lot in my sleep. I've caught myself fighting one morning, because all of my pillows & dog were on the floor! =/ And of course, my mom heard me cussing someone too. Hey it happens.. Lol.


  • Jenna
    May 26, 2011 10:46 am

    I'm sorry that my co-owner didn't get back to you on the post where you asked if we did personal requests. I do, and if you want something done I can attempt to make it haha πŸ˜€

    Jenna πŸ™‚


  • mayra
    May 26, 2011 10:27 am

    HAHAHA! I think everyone moans on their sleep at some point, I've heard my mom do it LOL and i think I've heard myself when I'm starting to fall asleep >.< I find it embarrassing doing it in front of other people hahah


  • mel
    May 25, 2011 7:19 pm

    haha, personally i thought the song was VERRRRYYY catchy! πŸ™‚

    she plays clarinet and she loves it, she started playing it because that’s what my sister played when she was her age, it’s kinda sweet.

    bored at work= NO FUN!

    you could always listen to more george michael! haha, just kidding! though ironically since i made that comment i think i have heard that song on the radio every day since, and before then i hadn’t heard it in years, funny how things work out! haha.


  • clairessa
    May 25, 2011 1:16 pm

    Hahahaha. I had a roommate who literally had incoherant conversations in her sleep lol. She could also text random conversations in her sleep. Just gibberish but it was kind of amazing that she was conscious enough to actually get to the text screen and then send it lol.


  • Clint
    May 25, 2011 12:22 am

    -offtopic-
    Hello ka-birthday, ka-course.
    Yea,I got the size. Lam mo na un. πŸ˜›


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