18

MAY

I’m a Sleep Moaner

Two years ago, I woke up in my dorm to find my roommate, and several of his friends, hovering over my bed. Each of them had huge, suspicious grins on their faces. Naturally, I thought they had sharpied a dingdong on my face. It turns out, they were actually laughing at the strange noises I was making.

Apparently, I moan in my sleep. Now, to my knowledge, these aren’t sexual moans (and if they are, then why the hell do I get pleasure out of losing my teeth). Rather, the moans are because I fail at breathing. A quick search on Google shows I’m not alone.

Occasionally, as I’m falling asleep, I hear myself doing it. The sound is certainly not flattering. It kind of sounds like a zombie grunt, but only if the zombie is a camel or a walrus. The moan also has a moo sound that would certainly put any heifer to shame. The moo, however, is more of a mouh, and it echoes the chant in Lady Gaga’s Pokerface.

The moan also resembles the foghorn noise that the tripods made in the War of the Worlds remake. The best way to describe it, I suppose, is the noise an old man makes when he’s blowing onto his hot soup – muEhhhh.

Waking up with an audience is not the only side-effect of my sleepmoaning. I also can’t sleep in class. Professors always knows I’m not paying attention when it sounds like Christina Aguilera is belting in the back of the classroom.

Long ago, I fell asleep with my door locked on accident. When the moaning noises began, my mom thought I had snuck a lover through my window.

Why can’t I do something normal in my sleep like sleepwalk or wet the bed [insert an I Peed a Little joke here]? Every time I tell my friends about the problem, they assume I have an illness or a mental condition or syphilis.

I wonder what other kinky and seemingly sexual things I do in my sleep. I can’t wait til the morning I wake up in assless chaps.

Maybe I should embrace the moans and use them to become a celebrity. I mean, I could always become one of those ladies in the shampoo commercials. The only pitfall is that I must be asleep, so I’d probably drown.

Justin Bieber moans a lot in his music, so maybe I could become a singer.

The only other moaner I can think of is Moaning Myrtle from the Harry Potter books, but she’s creepy as hell. She’s basically a pubescent dead voyeur watching school-age boys take a dump. I think I can find a better role model.

Leave Comment

83 Comments
Angelica
Oct 29 11:33 am

I don’t mean in my sleep. I stop breathing. Sometimes when I’m about to fall asleep I wake up gasping for air since I probably suffer from sleep apnea, something I plan on contacting a doctor about to be properly diagnosed.


Stephanie
Oct 10 4:13 pm

You could make a "sounds to sleep with" album to help people sleep?

Lol. It could be worse (or maybe it is?) My boyfriend humps me in his sleep; which depending on my mood is either a shock or pleasant surprise waking up at 2am in the morning to… lol


Liz
Sep 05 6:30 pm

Wow, you don't update often D;


jeniffer
Sep 04 4:37 am

hahaha… sometimes its because we have some problems in sleeping thats why we moaned or also health disease, there lots of factor for that…


Deceive
Jul 17 8:12 pm

We all know that moaning in sleep is just how to get the girls.. Good job! 😉


Samuel Warren
Jul 10 2:33 pm

Justin,

Interesting article. Entertaining.

Catch you on Bloggers.com

Sam


Thania
Jun 19 11:04 am

your posts never fail to entertain me & make me laugh! haha. "I thought they had sharpied a dingdong on my face." lmfao.


Gee
Jun 12 12:38 am

I don't have any sleeping problems…someone said I snore a bit, but I heard it too and I'm a deep sleeper. You can't hear yourself snore…right?!


Amanda
Jun 10 5:12 pm

Hahah I've missed you too! Long (and I mean long) time no talk!

lolol this comment is a tad late. I just finished school today XD (well yesterday technically since its 12:06 AM but w/e) You've been off for some time now! JEALOUS. I still have finals to take *_*

Hahah ahh you moan in your sleep XD Don't worry, I talk like gibberish in my sleep. In my mind people are talking to me and I respond outloud. But I don't make any sense whatsoever. Haha ahh Moaning Myrtle! XD She's so creepy. Perv. XD


Moni
Jun 09 4:23 pm

HEY JUSTIN! wanted to stop by and say hellow!


Jermaine
Jun 07 2:05 pm

Justin,

I can honestly say that I've never been to a blog that has engaged a subject matter so sincerely and so accurately. I vividly remember my dorm days and I snore. My roommate was the John Madden Tournament leader so guys were in my room until 4:00 AM. I was the guy who wanted to sleep and get up to be at my 8:00 AM course.

Which means I had a lot of those "why is your roommate snoring" comments. NO FUN. Lucky for you its just "moaning."

Thanks for the flashback, lol.


Boschii
Jun 07 6:02 am

This is hysterical…I know a few sleep-moaners…but I have to say…ur detailed descriptions had me LMAO especiall the War of the Worlds reference because I LOVE that sound effect. I often wake myself up singing…not sure where that came from…but I suppose "there are worse things I could do".


Christine
Jun 07 4:53 am

Hahaha! Aww, I think a lot of people do weird things in their sleep. I talk and mumble about things that make no sense, and sometimes sleep with my eyes open, which creeps out my boyfriend to no end. I say embrace the moans. Maybe tape yourself when you're sleeping and become a youtube sensation?


It's funny when you snore during class, 'm sure everyone will stare and laugh at you lol

but this is ok, now I know, im not alone :))


Mike Maynard
Jun 06 11:31 pm

Your blog looks good and you have a lot of potential as a writer. I didn't understand some terms but I'm English and I don't really keep up with Lady Gaga and definitely have no interest in Justin Bieber! Humour is difficult and you can't make it funny all the time, especially if you write a blog every day. We need to be inspired.


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