25

JUN

Science Destroyed my Childhood

All across the globe, scientists are hard at work; discovering more and more about the world around us. They’re making miraculous breakthroughs in fields such as astronomy, genetics, and medicine. But unfortunately, as these developments continue, I can’t help but notice that science is slowly destroying my childhood memories. Below is a list of cases where science has given my adolescence the middle finger.

1. Pluto Is Not A Planet

In 2006, Pluto was robbed of its planetary status by the International Astronomical Union, because it did not “dominate the neighborhood” around its orbit. With its comet-like appearance, it was officially demoted to “dwarf planet.” Those bitches. How is a dwarf PLANET not a planet? I mean, cell PHONES are still phones. I’ve got a message for the IAU: next time you touch one of my planets, I’m gonna kick Uranus.

When I was in elementary school, my teacher taught me the useful mnemonic device: “my very educated mother just served us nine pizzas.” Without Pluto, the delightful chant has been smashed to smithereens. Now I have: “my very educated mother just served us… nachos? noodles? NOTHING?” I love my mom, but she can’t be very educated if she thinks she can rip me off like that.

2. The Brontosaurus Never Existed

When I was a kid, I collected dinosaur figurines. I adored them. For hours at a time, I’d make my dino pals claw, roar, fight, attack, kill, and even tap dance. I loved to pit my favorite dinosaur, the Triceratops, against the evil Mr. Brontosaurus. Unfortunately, this memory is ruined for me, because the Brontosaurus is as real as the Tooth Fairy.

A long time ago, some dude found the remains of a dinosaur and dubbed it the Apatosaurus. Shortly after, another guy found the remains of another dinosaur and dubbed it the Brontosaurus. It was discovered that the two remains were of the same species and the second guy was an idiot. Apatosaurus took precedence, erasing Bronosaurus from existence and completely ruining the “Land Before Time” series. Damn… at least I still have my Triceratops. Oh shit.

3. Forget About Starfish

Starfish are very marketable to children. They pop up in many children’s books, cartoons, and toys. Perhaps it’s because of their name; I mean, you’ve got a basic shape and a basic animal combining to make an awesome complex creature. The name is utter brilliance. Unfortunately, marine biologists think otherwise. Since starfish aren’t really fish, they’ve been renamed “seastars.”

Setting aside the fact that “seastars” aren’t great burning orbs of gas light-years away, or that many of them don’t live in the sea, but rather in the ocean, I think this raises an interesting question: what about all the other confusing animal names? Killer whales should be called dolphins, dragon-flies should be called lame, and sand dollars should be called “not-real-currency.” And we should drop all the weird scientific names. The scientific name for a seastar is “asteroidea.” Hell, that’s what we should call Pluto.

Leave Comment

52 Comments

  • Courtney
    Jul 13, 2012 7:10 pm

    I knew about Pluto (also very upset about that) but I didn't know about the other 2 things you mentioned…. don't you sometimes (or most of the time) wish we could all go back to the 90s and stay there? I mean, besides all the science stuff, everything else was better too! I mean, take TV shows for instance! How I miss the 90s to much…


  • THuyy
    Jul 13, 2012 12:12 pm

    My mom signed up for something on the Kohls website and they sent the 10$ off coupon! (:

    My dad's whole family is from Paris! They all live there, too. lol So they all should speak French. I speak none, unfortunately. So can you at least understand a lot of French? And be able to kinda reply?

    Bahaha it was fun! And our dog had.. fun, I guess, too! (Not really, he hates water! D:)


  • Christine
    Jul 12, 2012 6:32 am

    I look forward to your posts all the time! This was absolutely hilarious. I remember when they decided that Pluto was no longer a planet. I was in my second year of college and was giving a big WTF to my physics professor who tried so hard to explain the reasoning to a young English major who hated science to begin with, and now hated it even more for the reasons you have stated above. He told me if it meant that much to me I should get another tattoo. Thanks professor!


  • Sakura
    Jul 11, 2012 11:08 pm

    Wow. Starfishes are named as seastars instead? Oh my. I still prefer to call it starfish!


  • Angelica
    Jul 11, 2012 1:54 pm

    How will things be when we are old? Will young people laugh at the things we took for granted as real science back in the 1900s and early 00s? Like we laugh at previous generations who thought the earth was flat and the centre of the universe?


  • Zotwot
    Jul 10, 2012 4:01 pm

    I still feel sorry for Pluto not being a planet any more. Even though it wasn't a planet for thousands of years I still feel it deserves better. Poor Pluto.


  • Chynna
    Jul 10, 2012 3:19 pm

    1. When I found out Pluto wasn't a planet anymore, I started planning my open letter to IAU. It still isn't finished and contains quite a few expletives.

    2. THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS BRONTOSAURUS'?! Wait, where was I when this happened? (Probably eating or on Tumblr) Pssht, I refuse to recognise this Apatosaurus. πŸ™

    3. Seastars? *laughs nefariously* Bitch, please.

    Your post has amused me and put a smile on my face. Thank you πŸ™‚


  • Charlton
    Jul 10, 2012 8:28 am

    LOL… you made me re-think of my own childhood and what science has corrupted over the years…. i so love this article…


  • Colette
    Jul 10, 2012 7:19 am

    Hahaha! As a scientist this made me laugh. I never thought that the change in events or names for exmaple could ruin somebody's memories of things…But that's what science is: it changes all the time. If it didn't we wouldn't live in a world where technology exists and we probably would still be thinking that the world is flat. And just because the names have been changed, or that Pluto is not recognized as being planet anymore, doesn't mean that you cannot share your memories with the younger generations who will grow knowing that Pluto isn't a planet. You can be one of those adults that strats a story with a "When I was your age…" hahaha


  • Meaghan
    Jul 09, 2012 2:51 pm

    Hehe yeah. Of course I'm right! πŸ™‚ I read it on Yahoo!'s scrolly thing on their homepage.
    You should do an edit on your blog & add that one in! Except skip out on the gruesome image.

    Really? -__- I only saw it once. And it was on Youtube. LOL the bend and snap!

    I always leave comments during this time because I woke up at like… 12. And it's summer time. School doesn't start until September for me. I might have to start waking up earlier if I get that job!

    Lol thanks! *fingers crossed*
    No. πŸ™ The first time we played, I was doing pretty good. Then after that, it all went downhill. I lost so bad. So I became the banker lol.


  • Meaghan
    Jul 09, 2012 1:01 pm

    Ewh, that whole "bathsalts" incident. You know they did an autopsy & it wasn't bathsalts? They said it was weed….

    Oh. I thought they never worked. But I never tried. I don't think I ever will.
    Trueeeee. Never thought of that. LOL, that will forever be stuck in my mind: "we're all whores anyway," hahahaha.

    Oh yuck… aren't the holographic thingies only for special cards? D:
    OH. Random, but… did you ever see the Pokemon episode where Brock opened his eyes!?

    Tell me if I'm imagining your cubicle wrong. Is it like the movies? LOL.

    No plaaans! πŸ™ I did spend a majority of last week playing Monopoly though… Oh and I finally turned in my application to Blooming Beauty yesterday! I'm nervous. The manager wasn't there yesterday so one of the workers took my application & asked me a bunch of questions… It sucks that I have no job experience. & I'm 17. You have to be 18 to work there, but when I talked to the manager, she said it was fine as long as I'm out of high school.
    I hope I get the job though. I need it. πŸ™ Because I'm broke AF.


  • Lisa
    Jul 09, 2012 11:14 am

    What, the brontosaurus never existed? This is quite upsetting news. It was nice living in blissful ignorance.


  • Jen
    Jul 09, 2012 9:13 am

    Gosh. Haha, Good thing you posted something about the Brontosaurus. πŸ˜› I was still skeptical about the existence of it, I'm not sure whether or not it is true. πŸ˜› Anyway, those new discoveries really are confusing. πŸ˜›


  • Christa
    Jul 08, 2012 4:11 pm

    All these new "discoveries" honestly makes me feel outdated. Half the time I just tune it out and go one with what was originally said – I mean we've gone how long with what they originally said and the world didn't end.


  • Jamie
    Jul 08, 2012 2:29 am

    Hey Justin! Sorry I've been so absent lately, and haven't returned your comment! I'm still a live though! I got a free trip to Vegas, simply due to the fact my landlords daughter invited me to go with her and hang out with her and to get me out of the house. Also, "B", and I broke up. It wasn't really working out. Long story short, he had friends and family on Facebook that are related to his ex (or supposed ex) and well; from there red flags just kept popping up. He was still seeing her as a best friend, and just flat out told me since I tagged him in pictures I decided to break up with him which wasn't even true. But anyway, "B"'s an arse just like "J" was/is. So now my landlords daughter and I are helping each other out, and getting closer as sisters almost. Since my depression took a spin for, since the breakup with "B", (two weeks into the relationship), my nerves were acting up and everything of the sort making my diabetes going out of whack due to two people stressing me the hell out. So my friend who actually cares, and is a good guy he told me stay away from those who stresses you as it will make your diabetes go haywire, and on top of that he wants me to take walks every morning afternoon and evening just 15 minutes around the corner and back. Which I can easily do! But the free trip to Vegas, was fun, didn't get to see any friends though, but that's okay. I made a new one over there. Hmm, on your post it seems a little silly, but than again that's your style. Which I like. I didn't know that seastars are great burning orbs of gas burning light years away.lol. That's hilarious!! That's something Spongebob would say! Honestly!!


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    My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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