16

JUL

Elvis Hasn’t Left the Building

Elvis Presley was one of the most popular singers of the 20th century. With his commanding voice and charismatic stage presence, he rose from humble circumstances to launch a rock and roll revolution. Strangely, despite his success, he’s best known for his mysterious death. An event so unexpected, some people deny it even happened; claiming, rather, that he still walks among us. If true, their claims put those bath salt zombies to shame.

These people base their claims on “Elvis sightings.” They say they’ve spotted him at a grocery store, at a gas station, at a Wendy’s drive-through…

So why am I bringing this up? Well, my mom is one of these conspiracy-theorist nutjobs. No, she hasn’t had an Elvis sighting (perhaps she would if she ate more Frostys), but nonetheless, she is absolutely positive that Elvis is still alive. In fact, she even “knows” his new identity: a Bible thumper from Oklahoma named Jon Cotner.

She’s not alone in this theory. The Internet is flooded with speculation, and to everyone’s credit, there are some spooky coincidences. Jon Cotner and Elvis share the same birthday, same singing voice, same facial structure, and Cotner was even sighted chillin’ with Lisa Marie Presley.

But that’s where it stops. Scientifically, there is no evidence proving Elvis and Cotner are the same person. Zero. Zip. Nada. If Elvis is still alive, he could just as easily be anyone else. I mean, with his wavy hair, designer shades, and white sequined jumpsuits, all signs point to Lady Gaga.

Besides, sporting a tummy and a thick white beard, Jon Cotner looks more like Santa Claus. Therefore, if we’re going to assume Jon Cotner is Elvis, by the transitive property, we must also conclude that Elvis became Santa. It makes just as much sense.

Perhaps Elvis was assigned to be Santa (kinda like jury duty), so he gained a bunch of weight and faked his death. It would explain his Christmas albums… And maybe the Elvis impersonators in Las Vegas are his elves?

Hell, why stop at Santa? Maybe Elvis is the answer to all the world’s greatest mysteries. Don’t believe me? Check out these grainy, pixelated photos I took…

Clearly, Elvis is also the Lochness Monster… Maybe he sang about hound dogs because “You Ain’t Nothin’ but a Sea Creature” wasn’t as catchy.

Elvis also built Stonehenge. It’s the infamous “Jailhouse ROCK.” After all, he is the King of ROCK and roll…

Elvis is also Bigfoot. His blue suede shoes are at least a size 30.

I could keep going, but these startling revelations are messing with my mind. I’m baffled. I’m terrified. I’m all shook up

Leave Comment

43 Comments

  • Jamie
    Jul 23, 2012 10:48 am

    Oh my gosh you're right! He MUST be the lochness monster. It's the only thing that makes sense. haha (: This post was very…eye-opening. I had no idea the whole "Elvis lives!" theory existed. I don't believe I shall partake in the community of believers but it's definitely entertaining nonetheless.


  • Lisa
    Jul 20, 2012 1:14 pm

    I must start subscribing to your feed. That picture of Loch Ness/Elvis fusion is too much. Looks surreal!

    The world wouldn't be as interesting without conspiracies and their believers. Somehow, it all connects and adds up, these conspiracies.

    In my opinion, your arguments are valid. I always suspected there was something fishy with that Santa.

    In reply to your comment: I wish I was able to make miniature pianos. I'm thinking of starting to take the credit, but I'm sure the lady I bought it from wouldn't like that (since it says it's handmade and all).


  • Josie
    Jul 19, 2012 11:48 am

    Hahaha, I can't emphasise enough the amusement I felt from this post! I love the pictures too, you obviously put a lot of effort into your blogs rather than just go on rants like I do 😛

    I wonder why people would think it a conspiracy though, like, are they saying he just didn't wanna be famous any more so he pretended to die? :S


  • Colette
    Jul 19, 2012 8:30 am

    Hahahaha this post was very well written, Justin! You are a great blogger and it is always a pleasure to read you. You know, people want to believe what they want, and no matter what you say or whatever proofs you bring them, they will stick to their idea of what is the 'truth'. It is sad, but that's what human nature is after all!


  • Alice
    Jul 19, 2012 6:59 am

    LMAO SOB at your pictures. And wow, I didn't know that people thought that there were conspiracies about his death… and life… and stuff >.> I thought he, like, died from overdosing on pills and threw up in a toilet and then died after that or something o.O W e i r d.


  • Liv
    Jul 19, 2012 6:41 am

    Haha! And someone was saying my boring entry made her laugh.

    Since none of us were born when Elvis was so successful, I'd just have to use an analogy. If my favorite singer ever became like Elvis and dies mysteriously, I think I too would be quite convinced he is still alive.

    But who knows? Maybe life is like one of those anime stories where everyone assumes a character has died when he hasn't. In other words, if Elvis were alive, life would be more interesting.


  • Dorine
    Jul 19, 2012 6:04 am

    This is creeping me out. I’m alone at home.

    Your posts always make me laugh! I don’t know much about Elvis Presley but he’s utterly popular. I read in a book once about a sighting so it’s confusing as to whether…


  • Cat
    Jul 18, 2012 7:55 pm

    haha, nice photos at the end! I'm always amazed at what conspiracy theorists say. I didn't know about Jon Cotner though. I have to admit… they do sound and look very similar!


  • Mom
    Jul 18, 2012 7:24 pm

    Click my name for an article about this topic that is VERY interesting….


  • Chynna
    Jul 18, 2012 1:02 pm

    Wait.
    What?
    People still think he's alive?! Oh my. People and their conspiracy theories. I do enjoy reading them because some of them are so ridiculous and far-fetched.

    LOL AT THOSE PICTURES. XD

    Seriously, if you were caught in that rain you would NOT have liked it. I was literally swimming in that rain 🙁

    I love sci-fi as well 😀 I'm going to watch rewatch Firefly after I finish this comment, actually. Ha! Checked out Fallen Skies wiki, and it looks pretty good – might give it a spin 😀 I'm going to guess that you like Doctor Who? Well, I'm hoping. That's my favourite show. Ever. Full stop.


  • Charles Bjørnsen Ravndal
    Jul 18, 2012 12:21 pm

    Hahahah! I've heard or read about Elvis sightings even some movies try to hype the mystery.

    Now, I'm quite intrigued with his death. (Checking Wikipedia now 🙂 )


  • Deanna
    Jul 18, 2012 9:19 am

    Haha, nice pictures. Your posts are always so funny. I really wonder if Elvis is alive. Wouldn't that be the craziest thing? How could you hide in public for so long. That would be quite a talent I think.


  • Jamie
    Jul 18, 2012 8:57 am

    OMFG, Justin this is the most hilarious post ever!!!! Quite frankly, you skipped the part about his funeral being a fraud/fake too. Some say that they even made his body into a wax figurine as they've never seen anyone sweat in the middle of the heat like that!!! Though my dad's an Elvis freak, and he still believes that he may still be a live where is unknown.

    Thanks for your comment. It's quite alright though. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. I'm sadden, that I have to put up with this bullshit at this house and what not for two and a half weeks, but after that I'm gone and on my OWN!!! I hit the jackpot though which I will later talk about in my blog. :).


  • Meaghan
    Jul 17, 2012 9:57 pm

    Aftershave helps moisturize your face after shaving and prevent razor burn.

    Sure, I'll just put you in my pocket. 🙂

    That's… nice lol. Did you know that one sneeze is 1/16 of an orgasm? So if you sneeze 16 times in a row, you just came. LOL.


  • Erica
    Jul 17, 2012 9:45 pm

    omglol to pretty much all of this. From the bath salt zombie comment to you being all shook up. I have to say, I didn't know about this "Jon Cotner" conspiratorial thing, but holy god damn, when I looked him I was floored by how much they actually look alike. There's a very striking resemblance between the two, I don't think that fact can be argued, that's for true.


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