With the 2012 London Olympics underway, I can’t help but feel the spirit. Unlike other television broadcasts, the Olympics has me so pumped that I’m actively participating. In the past few days, I’ve found myself yelling at the TV screen, attempting to recreate the gymnastics routines (I almost broke a lamp), Googling all the countries I didn’t know existed, and hypothesizing whether or not the medals are secretly giant chocolate coins. I can’t believe how much fun I’m having. Whoever came up with the Olympics deserves a yummy gold medal.
The Olympics is a fantastic way to bring countries together and create world peace; by making everyone violent and irrationally competitive towards each other. I’m having such a blast. If I had to complain, my only gripe would be the selection of sports. This year, they added golf and rugby, which are some solid choices, but I think they can do better. Here’s a list of activities I’d rather watch the athletes perform…
1. Untangling Headphones
Okay, so this might not sound very engaging at first, but if you think about it; untangling headphones is a definite challenge. It requires a very particular set of skills… skills one must acquire over a very long career… skills that make me a nightmare for people like you (if you don’t get the reference by now, go rent Taken). But seriously, anyone who can unscramble a mess of cords quickly, and calmly, deserves some serious praise and recognition. I can’t do it. After a mere 30 seconds, I’m already bat-shit insane and trying to hang myself with them.
And to be honest, there’s something very fishy about tangled headphones. I mean, they’re never tangled when I put them away. It’s like there’s a tiny knot-tying goblin in my pocket who’s screwing with me. So in conclusion, if we make “untangling” an Olympic sport, we’ll get to watch in awe as athletes from different countries kick some tiny goblin ass.
2. Trying to Open a Door While Drunk
I know from personal experience that alcohol + door = one hella good time. Every time I get wasted, doorknobs “quit working.” I can twist and turn them all I want, but they become one of the most confusing things in the world; up there with calculus, physics, and what women see in Russell Brand. With that in mind, imagine how entertaining it would be to watch an Olympic athlete chug a bottle of vodka, count to thirty, spin in a few circles, and try to open a door.
Unlike other Olympic sports, the drunk-door-a-thon would bring an element of unpredictability. Imagine Michael Phelps… Maybe he’d be a friendly drunk, telling the door how much he loves it. Maybe he’d be an angry drunk, telling the door it’s not his real father. Maybe he’d swim a couple laps in a pool of his own vomit. Maybe he’d words up his mix. Maybe he’d grab a twig, call it his wand, and repeatedly shout toward the door, “Alohomora!”
3. Crushing Things with your Boobs
The amount of awesome butts in the Olympics should make everyone feel proud on a global level… but we can do better. The Olympics needs more boobs. Now, before you call me a pervert, let me point out that I’m gay. I have no interest in boobs. They frighten me. In fact, I think they look like giant eyeballs. Like the Mona Lisa, no matter where I’m observing them from, they’re always staring back at me. But I digress… more boobs in the Olympics would be great for the straight male audience. Also, there’s this video.
In case you’re too frightened to watch the clip, let me summarize it for you: a woman appears on a talent show and uses her watermelon-sized breasticles to demolish a pile of beer cans. As disturbing as it sounds, it’s pretty impressive. I mean, it takes 40 lbs of pressure to squish a beer can. With proper training, athletes could use their knockers to flatten bricks, cars, airplanes, etc… And there’d finally be a pro to having manboobs. Seriously, the woman in this video has the perfect Olympic cocktail: skill, practice, determination, and unnatural body enhancements… Just don’t ask her to open a bottle of wine for God’s sake.