The Olympics Needs More Boobs

With the 2012 London Olympics underway, I can’t help but feel the spirit. Unlike other television broadcasts, the Olympics has me so pumped that I’m actively participating. In the past few days, I’ve found myself yelling at the TV screen, attempting to recreate the gymnastics routines (I almost broke a lamp), Googling all the countries I didn’t know existed, and hypothesizing whether or not the medals are secretly giant chocolate coins. I can’t believe how much fun I’m having. Whoever came up with the Olympics deserves a yummy gold medal.

The Olympics is a fantastic way to bring countries together and create world peace; by making everyone violent and irrationally competitive towards each other. I’m having such a blast. If I had to complain, my only gripe would be the selection of sports. This year, they added golf and rugby, which are some solid choices, but I think they can do better. Here’s a list of activities I’d rather watch the athletes perform…

1. Untangling Headphones

Okay, so this might not sound very engaging at first, but if you think about it; untangling headphones is a definite challenge. It requires a very particular set of skills… skills one must acquire over a very long career… skills that make me a nightmare for people like you (if you don’t get the reference by now, go rent Taken). But seriously, anyone who can unscramble a mess of cords quickly, and calmly, deserves some serious praise and recognition. I can’t do it. After a mere 30 seconds, I’m already bat-shit insane and trying to hang myself with them.

And to be honest, there’s something very fishy about tangled headphones. I mean, they’re never tangled when I put them away. It’s like there’s a tiny knot-tying goblin in my pocket who’s screwing with me. So in conclusion, if we make “untangling” an Olympic sport, we’ll get to watch in awe as athletes from different countries kick some tiny goblin ass.

2. Trying to Open a Door While Drunk

I know from personal experience that alcohol + door = one hella good time. Every time I get wasted, doorknobs “quit working.” I can twist and turn them all I want, but they become one of the most confusing things in the world; up there with calculus, physics, and what women see in Russell Brand. With that in mind, imagine how entertaining it would be to watch an Olympic athlete chug a bottle of vodka, count to thirty, spin in a few circles, and try to open a door.

Unlike other Olympic sports, the drunk-door-a-thon would bring an element of unpredictability. Imagine Michael Phelps… Maybe he’d be a friendly drunk, telling the door how much he loves it. Maybe he’d be an angry drunk, telling the door it’s not his real father. Maybe he’d swim a couple laps in a pool of his own vomit. Maybe he’d words up his mix. Maybe he’d grab a twig, call it his wand, and repeatedly shout toward the door, “Alohomora!”

3. Crushing Things with your Boobs

The amount of awesome butts in the Olympics should make everyone feel proud on a global level… but we can do better. The Olympics needs more boobs. Now, before you call me a pervert, let me point out that I’m gay. I have no interest in boobs. They frighten me. In fact, I think they look like giant eyeballs. Like the Mona Lisa, no matter where I’m observing them from, they’re always staring back at me. But I digress… more boobs in the Olympics would be great for the straight male audience. Also, there’s this video.

In case you’re too frightened to watch the clip, let me summarize it for you: a woman appears on a talent show and uses her watermelon-sized breasticles to demolish a pile of beer cans. As disturbing as it sounds, it’s pretty impressive. I mean, it takes 40 lbs of pressure to squish a beer can. With proper training, athletes could use their knockers to flatten bricks, cars, airplanes, etc… And there’d finally be a pro to having manboobs. Seriously, the woman in this video has the perfect Olympic cocktail: skill, practice, determination, and unnatural body enhancements… Just don’t ask her to open a bottle of wine for God’s sake.

Leave Comment

Aug 06 12:56 pm

heeyy! how are you? everything ok? πŸ™‚

Aug 05 3:54 pm

I haven't started school yet, haha. I start in the middle/end of September. I am definitely not excited to go back, haha. I've been sooooo busy lately. Then when I am finally going to get a break school will be starting again πŸ™ haha. I also can socialize with other people. I choose not to though. Sometimes we actually do gotta xD But I am not a very social person.. haha.

Aug 05 1:24 pm

The Olympics to be is…just a reason to find something to do other then watch TV. The only events I watch are the gymnastics – when I was younger I was a gymnast so I still enjoy watching and sometimes doing the random flip in the living room near our glass coffee table.

Drunk door opening isn't hard for me. Now unlocking a door – that leads to a group of five adults standing on the steps of a house yelling at each other and waking up everyone in the area while we try to figure out which key belongs to the front door. Once that is figured out trying to get the key in the hole is a group effort. The easiest part is opening the door…about two hours later.

And crushing things with boobs is not an equal opportunity sport considering there are some of us who lack in that area.

Aug 05 2:18 am

The Olympics needs a Abs-Off. All the teams get to compete to see who has the nicest set of abs.
I call bets on the Aussie gymnastics (men's) team, and the US swim (men's) team. PHWOAR.
What? The Olympics isn't just about me yelling at the tennis on telly, and weeping at every other sport. There's got to be some downtime to drool over the fine specimens trotted out…

Aug 04 4:51 pm

I would win fucking gold in boob smashing. Mine are massive and I will train them into submission if this sport ever came about. My mother would be so proud.

Going out to the cluuuuuuub. πŸ˜€ Merrhhhh, I'm sure 21 will just be the same as when I turned 18, lol.

Aug 04 10:37 am

The Olympics has made me all patriotic and proud to be British for possibly the first time in my life.

They added golf? How did I not know this?! I gave up playing golf 2 years ago after thinking it would get me know where. I could have been an Olympian!

Oh wow, the video of the woman crushing cans is amazing! That must seriously hurt though. But I agree, men would like more boobs in sport haha!!

Aug 04 7:26 am

To be honest… I’m not interested in the olympics at all but I really enjoyed reading your post about it. xD It does makes me wonder what kind of things are possible nowadays. xD

Aug 03 10:32 pm

Those would be pretty entertaining to watch if they were in the Olympics! Untangling headphones really is a challenge, especially if you start making it worse. Really though, how do they even get that way?!

#2 reminds me of drunk games like chugging a beer, spinning around, then trying to get a basketball in the hoop. Imagine all of the possibilities, haha.

And omg, I watched the video and that's kind of scary. I didn't know you could crush things with boobs. I wouldn't have even thought of doing that!

Aug 03 5:32 pm

I seriously should create some sort of code that whenever I visit your website for a comment, it'll automatically insert a "You're awfully hilarious" comment at the top.

YOU ARE! This post made me laugh – in my mind, but still laugh nonetheless. πŸ˜›

I think my favourite would be the untangling one, but the old men (in my country, anyway)'s favourite would be the last one. πŸ˜‰

But hey, they could cheat in the headphones one! What if they aren't properly tangled? Hmm…

Aug 03 2:31 pm

My bad. I'm sorry. I just got really hooked on your post since it does gave me a good laugh reading it and wasn't able to check your about me before hand. But I did just now. lol

and this statement of yours "I'm openly gay (sorry ladies…. the good ones are always taken… by men)." is deffo true. LOOL!

Oh you were out with a friend. so how was it? must did a lot of catching up.

My day was fine. Didn't do much since I'm sick and still sick (day 3). Couldn't go out since it's raining hard outside and don't feel like being on the computer for long coz it's causing too much headaches. But I get to check it on my fone just couldn't respond. Weekend is coming. whats your plan this coming weekend? πŸ˜€

Aug 02 4:08 pm

Okay, there was a slight delay in the move. I did something, but it's getting fixed now. I'm just waiting on my check in the mail. Hopefully they will have it out by Saturday.

Anyway, the guy with the red flags, he explained a lot to me. So, no more worry there. We're still going strong, and has been six days since we've gotten together. I know we're going to last a LONG time. He feels it too. He let his other friend go though. It was just because she went back to her "ex" husband, and they were friends, so when she went back to her ex-husband, that means no more friendship. They did try the dating thing, but didn't work. He told her he's with me now, and doesn't want to ruin it. Last night, my dad stopped by to give me food, and what not, and my boyfriend wanted to meet my dad (I mean really wanted to meet my dad), but my dad was sweating I guess from working all day, and in the heat, and was tired. He understood, but there's always a next time. So the red flags like I said are gone. Thank you for your offer though lol. I know we live a little bit aways. lol.

Hmmmm, I've never seen any of the olympics, but I heard that they have some WEIRD and crazy stuff like the one you just mentioned a woman crushing a beer can!!!!

Aug 02 1:23 pm

Hahaha! calling meaghan!! :)) LMAO!

i was gonna say try the cucumber thing if you wont think it's too gay to do. lol more feminine? tell me about it!

yeah, what a coincidence. who knows, I may be working with fbi after college (yeah right! haha). So how was lunch? Sorry late reply. I've been trying to get some sleep since I don't feel well but I couldn't sleep.

Aug 02 11:33 am

Justin, you are wonderful and every time I read your blog posts I JUST FIND MYSELF SMILING THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE THING. Anyways, though. Yes! With you on the tangled earphones thing–never been drunk so don't know your frustration, although yeah it'd definitely be entertaining to see what types of drunks certain athletes are (especially Michael Phelps! Oh my god your examples XD)
Crushing things with boobs (I wrote boob crusher originally and then had a horrible image of a guy crushing another woman's boobs xD)… I'd probably be awkwardly aware of my own boobs if I watch that xD

Aug 02 9:26 am

I love how the Olympics is getting all of the attention this summer. Just yelling at the screen, cheering people on… It sounds familiar- in the cases where the superbowl and the basketball finals take place. But that's a whole different story, right? πŸ˜‰

I always thought untangling headphones is pretty easy. One of the biggest reasons to that is.. I'm pretty patient, so I tak my time to untanble my headphones. Since I'm using those default Apple headphones, I definitely don't want to ruin it because they ain't tweet.

When you're drunk, doorknobs automatically becomes your enemy… Except you don't realize that it's not a living thing.

It's crazy how this woman can crush a can of beer with her breast. All I can imagine is the pain that comes along with it… Unless it's implants?

We did perform at Disneyland (the hotel) but had no access to the park.. Unless we have our own annual pass. At least it took place during the night so it wasn't as "painful" thinking about how we could have gotten to the park.

The pictures have different filters :). And I suppose lighting since one was indoor and the other was outside at night (with flash).

Take care!

Aug 02 9:12 am

wait till Meaghan see it (your dead) hahaha! I don't know if putting cucumber on your eyes overnight will be cool for you tho', hahaha!

I'm not an expert with computers but I kinda have knowledge about hacking and stuffs (but definitely not a hacker lol). So yeah. And my boyfriend thinks i'm gonna do good at it. Plus the fact that he took up forensic science. What state are you from btw?


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

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