The Olympics Needs More Boobs

With the 2012 London Olympics underway, I can’t help but feel the spirit. Unlike other television broadcasts, the Olympics has me so pumped that I’m actively participating. In the past few days, I’ve found myself yelling at the TV screen, attempting to recreate the gymnastics routines (I almost broke a lamp), Googling all the countries I didn’t know existed, and hypothesizing whether or not the medals are secretly giant chocolate coins. I can’t believe how much fun I’m having. Whoever came up with the Olympics deserves a yummy gold medal.

The Olympics is a fantastic way to bring countries together and create world peace; by making everyone violent and irrationally competitive towards each other. I’m having such a blast. If I had to complain, my only gripe would be the selection of sports. This year, they added golf and rugby, which are some solid choices, but I think they can do better. Here’s a list of activities I’d rather watch the athletes perform…

1. Untangling Headphones

Okay, so this might not sound very engaging at first, but if you think about it; untangling headphones is a definite challenge. It requires a very particular set of skills… skills one must acquire over a very long career… skills that make me a nightmare for people like you (if you don’t get the reference by now, go rent Taken). But seriously, anyone who can unscramble a mess of cords quickly, and calmly, deserves some serious praise and recognition. I can’t do it. After a mere 30 seconds, I’m already bat-shit insane and trying to hang myself with them.

And to be honest, there’s something very fishy about tangled headphones. I mean, they’re never tangled when I put them away. It’s like there’s a tiny knot-tying goblin in my pocket who’s screwing with me. So in conclusion, if we make “untangling” an Olympic sport, we’ll get to watch in awe as athletes from different countries kick some tiny goblin ass.

2. Trying to Open a Door While Drunk

I know from personal experience that alcohol + door = one hella good time. Every time I get wasted, doorknobs “quit working.” I can twist and turn them all I want, but they become one of the most confusing things in the world; up there with calculus, physics, and what women see in Russell Brand. With that in mind, imagine how entertaining it would be to watch an Olympic athlete chug a bottle of vodka, count to thirty, spin in a few circles, and try to open a door.

Unlike other Olympic sports, the drunk-door-a-thon would bring an element of unpredictability. Imagine Michael Phelps… Maybe he’d be a friendly drunk, telling the door how much he loves it. Maybe he’d be an angry drunk, telling the door it’s not his real father. Maybe he’d swim a couple laps in a pool of his own vomit. Maybe he’d words up his mix. Maybe he’d grab a twig, call it his wand, and repeatedly shout toward the door, “Alohomora!”

3. Crushing Things with your Boobs

The amount of awesome butts in the Olympics should make everyone feel proud on a global level… but we can do better. The Olympics needs more boobs. Now, before you call me a pervert, let me point out that I’m gay. I have no interest in boobs. They frighten me. In fact, I think they look like giant eyeballs. Like the Mona Lisa, no matter where I’m observing them from, they’re always staring back at me. But I digress… more boobs in the Olympics would be great for the straight male audience. Also, there’s this video.

In case you’re too frightened to watch the clip, let me summarize it for you: a woman appears on a talent show and uses her watermelon-sized breasticles to demolish a pile of beer cans. As disturbing as it sounds, it’s pretty impressive. I mean, it takes 40 lbs of pressure to squish a beer can. With proper training, athletes could use their knockers to flatten bricks, cars, airplanes, etc… And there’d finally be a pro to having manboobs. Seriously, the woman in this video has the perfect Olympic cocktail: skill, practice, determination, and unnatural body enhancements… Just don’t ask her to open a bottle of wine for God’s sake.

Leave Comment

Aug 20 9:10 am


All I can say to this post, is thankyou….


Aug 17 8:28 pm

lol – yelling at the tv screen! You're so silly! I do that too, when there is a good movie on, lol. The olympics or any sport at that matter has ever caught my attention but it seems pretty interesting. I'm pretty much open to anything and everything now. I have a broad mind and perspective.

Have fun! Hope you enjoy 🙂

Aug 17 4:20 pm

Hey, Justin! Long time no talk. c: I had forgotten how funny you are.

Honestly, I don't really follow the Olympics, except for maybe soccer and gymnastics. Gymnastics because I love all the cool flippy moves, and soccer because that's basically the only sport Korea is not totally crap at, and my dad watches it. Well, we're good at archery, too, I suppose.

But if they included those new "sports," I probably would watch the Olympics.

Aug 13 8:42 am

I hate untangling headphones! Haha, but it is a challenge.

Also I loved the opening ceremony, but I wasn't keen on the closing ceremony though!


Aug 13 12:35 am

LOL yes, those "sports" you listed are much more entertaining! I didn't watch the olympics, since I like to eat while watching t.v. (computer screen)..it'll just make me feel bad about the junks I put in my body.

Aug 12 9:06 am

I agree with you about the ear phone cords. I don't know how they always get tangled. I always put them away so nice and neatly.

Aug 12 3:51 am

That video was awesome, i wanna lrn how… is that a little creepy???…

Aug 12 12:58 am

Hahaha… crazy you!!!

I like this blog!

Regards from Belgium

Aug 10 11:04 pm

It will be quite funny if your suggestions are used in Olympics. I mean… Imagine looking at the contestants attempting to open the door while drunk, that would be quite funny.

Aug 10 7:29 am

Well I think I just died of laughing.

melle lee
Aug 08 11:53 pm

I agree with you when you said that the olympics was fantastic.. It is really fantastic.. I love it.. After watching the opening ceremony, I got addicted. Like totally addicted and watched the games too..

oh my that thing with crashing things with your boobs seems so pro.. that girl has a huge boobs..

Aug 08 7:19 am

Wow . . . pinch me . . . is this real? Or did I come across a really fucking funny blog?

Sweet 😀

Aug 08 6:44 am

I absolutely love your suggestions! I would definitely watch all of them! I think another pretty interesting one would be a house chore, like maybe cleaning a kitchen or something like that in the fastest time..

I love watching the olympics – especially the equestrian events since I used to ride horses 🙂

And I totally agree with it bringing everyone together! I'm actually really proud that they banned a few people who posted racist tweets etc. – it shows a no tolerance attitude towards that, and is a really good way to help bring the world forward in that regard.

Aug 07 2:48 pm

I've always wondered if they're giant chocolate coins, I think they are. That way they have a practical use, otherwise they're just big bits of metal.

I think I could win a medal in headphone untagling, however drunken door opening would stump me. I just think doorknobs and keys hate me when I'm drunk.

I couldn't watch the video. It seemed a scary thing to watch. I'm quite happy to never squash anything with my boobs…but I reckon it might be there one day as a sport!

Aug 07 2:09 pm

lol at those suggested olympic sports! Me and my boyfriend clicked the link and watched the woman crush beer cans with her boobs. My boyfriend asked me if I could do that. I told him I probably couldn't and definitely didn't want to. XD


My name is Justin, and you've stumbled upon my home on the web. From writing and coding to theater and cosplay, I'm always up to something. I haven’t been myself ever since I was born.

Stay In Touch

Enjoy what you've seen? Feel free to follow me on social media! I'm so thankful to live in a time where we can use social media instead of social skills.
© Copyright 2012 - 2019 Justin Hanks , All Rights Reserved.