People love to mock old fashion trends like leisure suits and shoulder pads, but honestly, is today’s world any better? Now we’ve got crocs, man cleavage, rappers with diamonds on their teeth, hipster pants so tight they’re considered contraceptives, and everything in Nicki Minaj’s closet.
I think we’ve been way too hard on the past. After a little day-dreaming, here’s my list of old fashion trends that weren’t actually so bad.
1. Hammer Pants
Be forewarned that hammer pants have absolutely nothing to do with real hammers (although life would be easier if you could dance on someone and say you “nailed” ’em). Inspired by harem pants, these super baggy leggings were popularized in the 1980’s-1990’s by rapper MC Hammer. The pants are peg-legged and have a huge billowing crotch that droops below the knees (kinda like my uncle… hey-o!). Historians believe the extra space in the pants provided ample storage for rubik’s cubes, game boys, nintendo cartridges, koosh balls, cabbage patch kids, VHS cassettes, and Cyndi Lauper.
Without a doubt, these pants must make a comeback. Since they’re so loose and ill-fitting, they can be used to hide imperfections; bringing an end to body image issues and eating disorders. But most importantly, if you’re ever wearing hammer pants and somebody pushes you out an airplane, you’ll probably land safely.
2. 80’s Windbreaker Jackets
Fashion trends from the 80’s are totally making a comeback. Take a stroll through your local mall, and you’re bound to see plastic sunglasses, neon colors, and hair so big it puts Robin Williams’ arms to shame. Unfortunately, there is one 80’s trend that has yet to re-enter the market — the windbreaker jacket. Now, some may disagree, but personally, I adore wearing anything that is vibrant… hell, I’ve even considered sporting a bright orange traffic cone on my head.
Windbreakers grab my attention, and they blend their vibrant colors seamlessly with awesome eye-catching patterns. These patterns remind me of graffiti… but without the aftertaste of ghetto and broken dreams. Ultimately, you can’t go wrong with a jacket whose name is synonymous with farting.
3. Powdered Wigs
Powdered wigs were an integral part of fashion during the 18th century, and their story begins like many others — with syphilis. By 1580, syphilis had become the worst epidemic to strike Europe (besides the Black Death and the codpiece). Without antibiotics, victims suffered a multitude of symptoms — including hair loss. As baldness swept the nation, the people derived the only logical solution: harness Robin Williams’ arms. And when that failed, the victims wore wigs.
For a long time, the wigs were a Renaissance equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater. But once the King of France “did the nasty” and caught the STD himself, the wigs were transformed into a symbol of wisdom. In today’s world, the powdered wig is gone… and coincidentally, so is wisdom. These wigs must come back. Not only are they super cool, but we’ll all look like mutated kitties.
4. Fanny Packs
The word “fannypack” always confused me. I mean, why is it called a fannypack when it’s worn in the front? Doesn’t “fanny” mean “butt?” Last time I checked, I couldn’t windbreak out of a fannypack. Maybe we should call them vag bags instead… or junk trunks… or sack sacks…
Despite the ill-suited name, fannypacks are awesome. They provide a hands-free storage solution for anyone on the go. And, if you think about it, fannypacks decrease your likelihood of being robbed… I mean, no one’s gonna steal your iPod if it involves reaching at your private parts. Well, almost no one. For the same reason, fannypacks make airport security checks hilariously awkward. And best of all, if you wear a fannypack, people might think you’re Batman… (all you need now is a nipple suit).
Oh, and if you really want to make a statement, you could wear everything at the same time.
Take notes, Lady Gaga.