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AUG

Fashion Trends that Must Return

People love to mock old fashion trends like leisure suits and shoulder pads, but honestly, is today’s world any better? Now we’ve got crocs, man cleavage, rappers with diamonds on their teeth, hipster pants so tight they’re considered contraceptives, and everything in Nicki Minaj’s closet.

I think we’ve been way too hard on the past. After a little day-dreaming, here’s my list of old fashion trends that weren’t actually so bad.

1. Hammer Pants

Be forewarned that hammer pants have absolutely nothing to do with real hammers (although life would be easier if you could dance on someone and say you “nailed” ’em). Inspired by harem pants, these super baggy leggings were popularized in the 1980’s-1990’s by rapper MC Hammer. The pants are peg-legged and have a huge billowing crotch that droops below the knees (kinda like my uncle… hey-o!). Historians believe the extra space in the pants provided ample storage for rubik’s cubes, game boys, nintendo cartridges, koosh balls, cabbage patch kids, VHS cassettes, and Cyndi Lauper.

Without a doubt, these pants must make a comeback. Since they’re so loose and ill-fitting, they can be used to hide imperfections; bringing an end to body image issues and eating disorders. But most importantly, if you’re ever wearing hammer pants and somebody pushes you out an airplane, you’ll probably land safely.

2. 80’s Windbreaker Jackets

Fashion trends from the 80’s are totally making a comeback. Take a stroll through your local mall, and you’re bound to see plastic sunglasses, neon colors, and hair so big it puts Robin Williams’ arms to shame. Unfortunately, there is one 80’s trend that has yet to re-enter the market — the windbreaker jacket. Now, some may disagree, but personally, I adore wearing anything that is vibrant… hell, I’ve even considered sporting a bright orange traffic cone on my head.

Windbreakers grab my attention, and they blend their vibrant colors seamlessly with awesome eye-catching patterns. These patterns remind me of graffiti… but without the aftertaste of ghetto and broken dreams. Ultimately, you can’t go wrong with a jacket whose name is synonymous with farting.

3. Powdered Wigs

Powdered wigs were an integral part of fashion during the 18th century, and their story begins like many others — with syphilis. By 1580, syphilis had become the worst epidemic to strike Europe (besides the Black Death and the codpiece). Without antibiotics, victims suffered a multitude of symptoms — including hair loss. As baldness swept the nation, the people derived the only logical solution: harness Robin Williams’ arms. And when that failed, the victims wore wigs.

For a long time, the wigs were a Renaissance equivalent of the ugly Christmas sweater. But once the King of France “did the nasty” and caught the STD himself, the wigs were transformed into a symbol of wisdom. In today’s world, the powdered wig is gone… and coincidentally, so is wisdom. These wigs must come back. Not only are they super cool, but we’ll all look like mutated kitties.

4. Fanny Packs

The word “fannypack” always confused me. I mean, why is it called a fannypack when it’s worn in the front? Doesn’t “fanny” mean “butt?” Last time I checked, I couldn’t windbreak out of a fannypack. Maybe we should call them vag bags instead… or junk trunks… or sack sacks…

Despite the ill-suited name, fannypacks are awesome. They provide a hands-free storage solution for anyone on the go. And, if you think about it, fannypacks decrease your likelihood of being robbed… I mean, no one’s gonna steal your iPod if it involves reaching at your private parts. Well, almost no one. For the same reason, fannypacks make airport security checks hilariously awkward. And best of all, if you wear a fannypack, people might think you’re Batman… (all you need now is a nipple suit).

Oh, and if you really want to make a statement, you could wear everything at the same time.

Take notes, Lady Gaga.

Leave Comment

57 Comments

  • kitty
    Sep 06, 2012 10:25 am

    (fugly) hammer pants were very popular here in Israel in early 2000's.
    Wind breaker jackets were and probably still arepopular in Russia…

    I thought fanny meant pussy in British English O.o


  • Meaghan
    Sep 05, 2012 10:35 pm

    Oh, and you're never on AIM anymore! I'm on all the time! I just made a new screen name though… so yeah. :c
    rusticmayhemx3


  • Cat
    Sep 04, 2012 10:16 pm

    lol, I like that you combined everything in the end. I agree that fashion now isn't much better than before, especially with crocs and hipster jeans. (I'm not even sure how they get those on.) I kind of miss how colorful windbreaker jackets are, but I think I remember them being… loud? They make a lot of noise because of the material! I used to use fanny packs when I was a kid, and I remember how handy they were. You make a good point about not being robbed too πŸ˜‰ I'm not sure I agree with hammer pants and powdered wigs though, haha.


  • kara
    Sep 04, 2012 5:31 pm

    I actually laughed while reading your blog! I like how your voice can be heard through it, and the fashion trends are interesting. Although, I'm not a big fan of the older trends mentioned here, I don't disagree with your comments on how today's dress attire isn't any better. Crocs, man cleavage…? Haha. Thanks for your sweet message by the way – I've decided to ignore the drama, block the people creating it, and continue to keep my site going.


  • Meaghan
    Sep 04, 2012 12:59 pm

    I don't have a favorite zoo animal… I haven't seen enough of the zoo to have one! But when I do go, I'll let you know. πŸ™‚

    Please do a Youtube video of one of your acts. PWETTY PWEASE. I would love to see that haha. And dress up too!

    Yuck, I just painted my nails… so no more biting. For now. :3


  • Courtney
    Sep 02, 2012 6:21 pm

    OMG your posts always make me laugh! I love the repeating reference to Robin William's arms…. glad I'm not the only one who thinks they're hairy!!! I completely agree about today's fashion trends being ridiculous… I hate shopping for clothes because all I see are ugly!! πŸ™


  • Nancy
    Sep 02, 2012 2:20 pm

    With today's fashion trends being criticized and fashion trends from the past being brought up again, is this going to happen again in 70 years to come? :o! Those hammer pants looks like it would be a hassle if you need to climb over a fence for whatever reason. The 80's windbreaker jackets are still a trend, especially in marching bands where it dominates in the color guard section. Most definitely, I agree that fanny packs must come back as a trend! Not only it works well as a storage solution, it's great as a belt too if you're in a dire need of one.

    I'm not cool enough to major in Computer Science like you :P. I'm just a lame wannabe nerd who prefers utilizing tools you computer science majors creat than creating it myself c:

    If I were to own a yellow Camaro, that thing better be Bumblebee! XD!

    Take care πŸ™‚


  • Meaghan
    Sep 02, 2012 12:43 pm

    Heck no. I still get creativity points!

    *Le gasp* Are you a mind reader now!? How did you figure that out? D: I thought I was being sly & clever.

    I don't even know if our zoo has ostriches. o.o I'll let you know when I go & I'll take a picture just for you. :3
    What did you do when you worked for one? Did you get to feed the fluffy animals!? :oooo


  • Angelica
    Sep 02, 2012 12:29 pm

    Oh no, oh no, my poor eyes, all of those things are hideous! Except for the powdered wig. The lady wigs of the 16th century were just AWESOME in their extravagance.

    Something I seriously want back is grunge fashion. Because it was so relaxed! In the early 90s all you had to do as a chick was roll out of bed still wearing yesterdays smudged make-up, your hair uncombed, put on a pair of Docs and walk out of your home still wearing the babydoll nightgown you slept in. As a guy you did the same only instead of a babydoll nightgown you wore boxers and some old T-shirt. HOW AWESOME!


  • Erin Nicole
    Sep 02, 2012 10:47 am

    Lol I love how robyn williams looks in that picture. XD

    & I love windbreakers, not because of the colors but because they keep you warm. Lol Simple but sophisticated.

    & Fanny packs are perfect for disney world or any other amusement park. I put my phone in there when we are going to disney. (we go there a lot) I don't see that ever changing. Though disney is getting boring, I still love riding tons of the rides and it is great exercise. πŸ˜€
    —————-
    Thanks so much. That really means a lot! <3 I didn't make it but I did code it from looking like Hostwish.info to the .net version. Not sure which one I like better. Lol

    I'm actually thinking about it but the prices are so much higher and I want to go to UNF which is in Jacksonville. Not sure if I will get into any other college. It would be awesome though. I might even be able to work for HostDime.com since they are located there.
    How much would you have for rent if I did decide to move there?

    Yeah, I hate it. Everyone is gone for school and they aren't coming back until Summer of '13 so I have nothing to do but watch Netflix and website stuff until then.

    I don't see why they are like that, it's not like you'd touch them. They gross you out! hahaha. I'd totally move into a dorm with you or wherever else. Lol. Doesn't bother me.

    & I totally agree. Free living is AWESOME. XD


  • Deanna
    Sep 02, 2012 9:58 am

    I sometimes see people with fannypacks. I think a man had one on under his shirt last month at my store. It was kind of hilarious. I remember one year my aunt gave me one for Christmas. I was like, what am I going to do with this? I was so disappointed. I'm pretty sure I threw it out without ever using it.


  • Holly
    Sep 02, 2012 7:35 am

    I honestly hope these fashion trends return, just because it will be so funny. Although in the UK it's quite normal to see people wearing 80's windbreaker jackets, just because they are stuck in a time warp!

    I never realised Robin Williams had such hairy arms. I thought my boyfriend had hairy arms but that's just crazy!!

    Haha I never thought about swimming with dolphins as being a dangerous thing until the talk we were given before we entered the water. I want to swim with sharks next which is much more dangerous!!

    I'd have to dress up if I went to Comic-Con. I don't want to feel left out. I think I'd dress up as Harley Quinn because I'm a big fan of her. πŸ™‚


  • Lissa
    Sep 02, 2012 6:24 am

    Haha, the MC Hammer pants are for the win! Why don't you just start the trend? πŸ˜‰ I bet people will follow you!

    I do really love your last picture! XD


  • Abbie
    Sep 01, 2012 11:27 pm

    As I read up on each of the trends, I kept thinking, "That'd be great if someone compiled all of these and threw it on Robin Williams." And then, you delivered. Fantastic. Although, I must say, he looks like a rejected extra from The Golden Girls..


  • K
    Sep 01, 2012 10:40 pm

    Oh my gosh. Combining those is something that I will never be able to un-see.


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