Valentine’s Day: Love By The Pound

Love is in the air, boys and girls. It’s time for passion, romance, and uncomfortable public displays of affection. Yep, Valentine’s Day is approaching, and if this is news to you, you’re probably alone.

… Not that it’s a bad thing. I mean, I’m single too… for the first time in years, actually. I’m not upset. It’s better to have loved and lost than to do forty pounds of laundry a week.

Besides, my prince charming will come eventually. He just took a wrong turn, got lost, and is way too stubborn to ask for directions.

I remember in grade school when no one ever felt alone. Everyone was required to pass out Valentine’s Day cards to everyone else. It was great… Although it did get awkward when you had nothing to say to someone, and your card consisted of a greeting like “Nice pants.”

Actually, grade school kinda made us spoiled. Now everyone feels entitled to a valentine. And when people can’t find one, they get desperate. I have a friend who gets a Valentine’s Day gift for his mother. It’s like, “Dude, don’t you know that she’s banging your dad?”

And that’s only the beginning. Valentine’s Day is full of creepiness. Need I remind you that we celebrate by sending each other pictures of an internal organ?

And then there’s Cupid. Nothing sounds more illegal than an invisible flying baby that shoots two unsuspecting people with a crossbow, forces them to fornicate, and watches the entire thing from outside a window.

Perhaps my Valentine’s Day pessimism stems from the fact that it’s a holiday about exploiting people for money. In order to show our love for one another, we’re encouraged to buy expensive jewelry, chocolates, candles, teddy bears, bubble baths, giftcards, pregnancy tests…

Why all the candy? What’s so sexy about weight gain? It’s like the big corporations want us to look hideous so we break up and spend more money next year wooing somebody else…

It’s true. We eat candy that tastes like chalk for absolutely no other reason. And all this weight gain is subliminally encouraged via lovey-dovey food puns: You’re so sweet, You’re the icing on my cake, We’re mint for each other, I’m not playing twix, I love you to pizzas…

In my opinion, people need to be romantic in ways that actually matter. Spend time together. Talk. Laugh. Hug. Kiss. Eat. Pray. Love. And don’t just do it once a year. Show love and affection every day.

This year, my valentine is my bed. We’ll spend the day cuddling & sleeping together. I’ll also find some time for my EX……. Box 360.

Leave Comment


  • Jamestagma
    Mar 30, 2019 3:00 pm


  • emily
    Apr 02, 2018 1:27 am

    hahaha im in a loving relationship with by bff you guys are all losers

  • Kate
    Jun 01, 2015 7:52 am

    This is a great article! I believe that one day my true love will find me, but until then I'll love my bed….

  • Vivian
    Apr 18, 2015 7:44 pm

    Haha i love this artical it's so true

  • Sinadee
    Mar 04, 2015 10:08 pm

    I spent this valentines eating brownies I made (I make a promise to bake for valentines annually) and deciding whether or not I should try to make amends with someone with the brownie…I decided they would probably just want the brownie so I ate it. The rest were given to my close friends.

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